Liner Notes: Episode 4
Breakfast with Matthew
I really wish you could have been with me for my breakfast with Matthew. You can listen to it here if you haven’t already:
The part where he told me that he’d been to 26 rehabs was a gut punch. I literally couldn’t say anything for about 20 seconds—of course we edited that out, but it struck a real chord with me. I always get pretty emotional in those moments because they touch something in me. I had a friend once tell me that those moments when you’re suddenly overcome with emotion are when God is close.
When Matthew told me the story about having gone to 26 rehabs it made me think about my own history of relapsing. I’ve said this many times before, it took me about ten years of trying before I was able to put together one year of sobriety. I went to a variety of different rehabs and treatment centers and therapists, I literally tried everything and I was never able to manage more than six months of sobriety during that entire time.
I think relapse is the most misunderstood aspect of addiction and recovery and, unfortunately, I think the way it is handled often deepens and prolongs it. To the non-alcoholic, the behavior is completely mystifying and since it involves dishonesty about 100% of the time, there’s betrayal, too. Relapses often come when things are good and that’s really difficult for people to understand. You’re sober and you have that fresh look and the light in your eyes is back and things are just going really well and people are just starting to let themselves think that maybe it will be different this time and then you have that first drink and there goes that sandcastle.
Alcoholics drink because they have to. As an alcoholic you pass a point pretty early on where the fun and frivolity have drained away, it becomes a compulsory and kind of grim exercise. That’s the challenge of recovery; it’s not just a bad habit you’re trying to change, it’s taking something out that’s woven into every aspect of your life and pervades a frighteningly-high percentage of your thoughts. I literally did not believe that it was possible for me to live without drinking and until I was able to change that thinking, I couldn’t stop drinking.
That’s what makes me appreciate Matthew’s story so much. He was born addicted and was around addiction his entire life. No one is going to accomplish the kind of seismic change that is necessary to arrest that kind of dependence in thirty days. Matthew was an alcoholic like me and when it’s that deeply ingrained, it’s a very long road to recovery. Every time I think about Matthew going to 26 rehabs it takes my breath away. I know how hard it is to get yourself to go one time, to confront yourself and the way you’ve been leading your life, to force yourself to be honest with yourself and leave everything behind and go and try to change things. That’s f***ing hard.
And I know what it’s like to drink again after trying so hard. It’s devastating. I’ve never felt that empty. Literally empty, because when you taste that drink again after working so hard you realize there isn’t really much else in your life. Matthew suffered through that devastation and emptiness 25 times and still found the courage to go one more time. That is some bad-ass faith and courage (probably some desperation, too) and I have nothing but respect for that.
Matthew is not just an OG Alcoholic like me, but he also has excellent old school musical taste. I love the Rolling Stones and Exile on Main Street is one of the great albums of all-time. I’m sorry, but losing the album format has been a horrible thing to live through. Anyway, so many great songs on that album, and you can accuse me of having cheesy taste (sometimes, I do!) but I always loved Happy and it kind of fits here thematically:
I think Matthew’s choice from the album is Torn and Frayed. Also, pretty appropriate thematically.
I used to do a pretty mean air guitar in college to this:
Some songs just shouldn’t be covered, ever. Guns ‘N Roses, I’m talking to you! Seriously, their version of Sympathy for the Devil is more than a minute longer than the Rolling Stones!! What were you thinking?
Like Matthew, I would definitely want to have David Bowie along on the desert island and I think I could listen to these songs a few thousand more times:
Here are some links to some important things, including the Official Breakfast with an Alcoholic Discography Most importantly, if you think you might need help or know someone who might, a great resource here in New York is New York Intergroup. There’s one of those for every state. I hope you enjoyed breakfast with Matthew, I know I did. Stay tuned for the next episode of Breakfast with an Alcoholic. Until then: Be well, stay groovy and call your sponsor!
Thanks for Letting Me Share
