I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for listening to my body, for how much Timmy has been supporting me and for my parents. I’m grateful for a beautiful day, having a clean home, a warm bed and for the flowers my parents sent. I’m grateful for the hydrangeas I was given that I managed to perfectly dry, for being able to keep the windows open and for coffee.
Good morning my friends!
First and foremost, T.B.D sorry I missed your call yesterday, I promise I’ll call you back today or tomorrow it’s been nutty over here.
Secondly and as always, I hope everyone has been having a wonderful week and is getting ready for a hopefully relaxing weekend. For some reason I was under the impression today was the first official day of Fall so I was gleefully going to say bring on the pumpkins…to my disappointment the first day of Fall isn't until Saturday. Perhaps I’ll pick up a pumpkin anyway.
Today is a short one my friends, my brain is on information overload. I am so beyond incredibly grateful for this job and all of the truly wonderful people I now work with. The relief that I was hoping for has finally set in however, I am still battling some imposter syndrome and quite frankly, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It’s exhausting constantly being on edge, being hypervigilant, always waiting for the things of the present to turn out like the things of the past. It’s leaking out into every other aspect of my life and I have been very snappy, short tempered and crying a lot. So today I am really listening to what me and my body need.
I love to sit outside and write but today I’m seeking the comfort of our cozy bed. I need to run to the grocery store and pick up some food I actually want to eat because this whole meal prepping kick I was on isnt working for me. I’ll have some pumpkin caramel coffee this morning as I eagerly away the Fall season. As much as I have enjoyed the gym lately, I am taking the day off and in an hour I have therapy where I will discuss how to re-regulate and not be in a constant state of fight or flight.
I’m also doing another 90 in 90 to keep myself grounded in my program while all of this change happens.
I also spoke on sponsorship the other day at a meeting which I could spend even more time talking about (my current sponsor completely changed my program, my sponsees have completely changed my program) but today I don’t want to lose sight of how I’m really feeling. I can spend all day long making it look like I am completely fine and then completely unravel, and that is equally as unhealthy as picking up a drink to me.
Change is hard, it’s overwhelming and I am so very uncomfortable. But I am learning and growing and understanding so much about myself in the process. And I have really been holding on to - HP wouldn't give me anything I can't handle - lately.
I am not an imposter, everything I am feeling is totally valid, but I don’t have to exhaust myself by constantly being on guard. I can let go a little if I want to, HP will be here to catch me.
xx
Jane
Don’t waste time waiting for something bad to happen. Embrace and enjoy the beautiful new place you find yourself in. Stop and smell your flowers, let the sun shine on your face and just take a deep breath.