I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a little time out of the city, but also for how much I love returning to it. I’m grateful for time with my family, for opportunities to be of service, for slowing down, for the beautiful book I just finished and the new one I started. I’m grateful for honesty, for communication, for rest and for a sunny morning.
Good morning my friends :)
I hope everyone had a nice weekend and for anyone who has the extra day off today, I hope you take a little extra time to relax if you can!
I am down in New Jersey visiting my parents which is a direct gift of being in AA. I got to speak at a meeting from my childhood bedroom yesterday on the 8th step which again, was such a gift.
The 8th step feels like a weird one to speak about, but really for me it’s one of this acton steps where all of the ones before it tie together. The steps are in order for a reason as they say….
There is one amends on my list that I am completely unwilling to make. To my old boss, I feel like it will get turned around, used against me, and quite honestly I still haven’t found a place of neutrality there. I can’t make the amends if I don’t actually mean, I have (for me) to find that place of neutrality first, I have to find the willingness and that is what step 8 is all about in my mind. Finding that willingness which is an every day practice just like steps 6 and 7.
I always say that I was blessed with the willingness to be and to stay sober. But when it comes to a lot of other things, the willingness to forgive, the willingness to move forward, the willingness to make some changes that doesn’t always come so easy to me. I will always be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober (hopefully), I know that making amends is an imperative part of that, but I don’t know….does everyone deserve forgiveness?
I think most people do, I think I’ll get there eventually, maybe I just wish it wasn’t so controversial to say things like that? Suddenly I am starting to rant and that’s not what I wanted to do. I very much so wish everyone a little extra willingness to day for whatever they need to do and might now want to. Or a little bit of extra rest today for anyone who has the day and may feel like they can’t add even 5 minutes of relaxing into their schedule.
And in the meantime, I’ll workout all of the above (;
xx
Jane
Whenever I have struggled with being willing about anything -- amends or otherwise -- I've prayed for the willingness to be willing. It's not an instant cure (is anything?) but I do believe my Higher Power listens no matter what and meets me wherever I am (even when I'm not where I wan to to be, yet).
I try to think of forgiveness as giving up their piece of real estate in my head! I deserve that space for me and my recovery!