I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful to not be alone, for a slow weekend and for time with friends. I’m grateful for service, my sponsor, and for grocery shopping. I’m grateful for joining the gym, our home, the sun making a brief appearance just now and for Alcoholics Anonymous.
Good morning, friends!
First and foremost, for anyone who struggles today – anyone who lost a loved one, I am sorry. For anyone who was there, searched and rescued and saved and helped, thank you. For anyone who needs a shoulder, you are not alone, and we are here. I am not sure of the proper way to memorialize those who were lost and thank the ones who were there, but we never forget, and you are always in our hearts.
Now as always, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and had some time to rest :) I don’t know what to write today. I’m sitting here on my wet balcony because all we’ve had was rain the past few days, and my head is full of things but none of them feel adequate right now. I’ve been reading The Body Keeps the Score, which has been really wonderful, but I’ve been struggling with the word trauma lately. My shit doesn’t come from my parents, I have incredible parents, it doesn’t come from childhood, I had a great childhood. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for five years, but I don’t have PTSD. I was a little girl when 9/11 happened so how do you accurately describe a heavy heart for something you don’t really remember? 9/11 was a tragedy, emotional abuse is real, trauma doesn’t only show up on the form of PTSD, but how do you look back and digest and evaluate and heal when looking back feels so overwhelming?
I met with a sponsee yesterday who is just starting step one. The little assignment I gave her for the next time we meet was for her to list 10 ways she’s powerless over alcohol. I’ve shared this with you all before but the more 24 hours I put together the clearer it is that I am powerless over not only alcohol 100% but I can also be powerless over fear, my own mind, my self-will, the past and the future if I am not constantly bringing it all back to God. If I’m not doing my own assignments given to me by my sponsor, if I’m not going to meetings daily, doing service and helping others.
My sponsor and close friends have been encouraging me to join the gym, someone with anxiety like mine can benefit from an hour or so of moving and exercising they say. So, I finally did, there’s no timeline for healing I know that big changes for alcoholics can feel especially frightening but that is okay because we are not alone, and we don’t have to drink. I have all the tools, I know (not all) of the solutions. But I guess what I don’t ever do is just feel it. I’m constantly seeking the right answer, battling myself over what the solution is vs what I’m doing. But I don’t think I’m really feeling and then truly letting go of the fact that I am just a little overwhelmed lately, I’m a little sad, a lot afraid, a little confused. Today my heart is certainly heavy for the innocent people, the brave hero’s and our beautiful city.
I don’t always know what to make out of all the emotion. But somehow, some way it always comes back together. So, I’m just going to have to trust.
Xx
Jane