Mania
This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl
I am so grateful to be sober. I’m grateful for the weekend and for a fresh week. I’m grateful for my friends, for the summer, for AA, my sponsor, my sponsees, and for HP. I’m grateful to know that all will be okay, that everything is already written, for support and hope.
Gooood morning (almost afternoon!) my friends (:
As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend – In all honesty I completely and totally forgot to write this morning. My excuse being, we signed the lease on the apartment with our very own pirate balcony last week and I have been manic ever since.
Seriously, all of my free time has been spent making excel sheets, buying furniture, micromanaging (character defect) and stressing that at any point of time the lease will be taken away from us? (Don’t ask me where that comes from – I did the same thing when I got the offer letter for my job and did not feel better until they day I officially started).
I texted the super of the building to coordinate getting our keys all of…five seconds ago and he hasn’t answered. So, I’m basically having a panic attack.
I am VERY high strung at the moment with little, tiny slivers of “where’s God?” in between and I think the biggest message I have today is – Listen, being incredibly manic over moving is not healthy. Being manic over anything for extended periods of time is not healthy and for me there is absolutely no God present in any of those thoughts or actions. And honestly, I’m not even really working on it. Tim said to me the other day “you practice your principles in all your affairs until you need it the most “. And he’s completely correct.
When I need to take a step back and invite God in and let go and all of the things when I need them the most I don’t. Because a part of me still believes that if I want it done right I gotta do it myself. As if I know what ‘right’ means.
I take – God will send you the boat, but you have to row it – way too far. I know God is there, I know he/she/it will show up when I call on them. But I’m not calling on them.
And by no means am I saying that is okay. But there was a point when I would have been SO hard on myself about this. I would have belittled myself and told myself that I’m a bad sober person for not relying on God and I need to be better I HAVE to be better or bad things are going to happen.
Bad things aren’t going to happen – the fact of the matter is (to me) that God created me. God knows me better than I know myself and God expected nothing less than me being completely insane right now. God is not mad or disappointed, God has my back always. God knows that I have this clarity right now and am not really doing anything about. God knows that I will eventually ask for help and will help me. God is not going to let me get too crazy to the point where I drink, God is going to make sure I have time to get to meetings and God has made sure that I have people in my corner who are willing to help.
And this might all sound insane and there’s probably 1231497234 quotes from the Book that will tell me that I’m in the land of unmanageable. But I’m not worried about it. I can change I know that I can, I know that I will learn to be better – but I have a long slow road of recovery ahead of me, and God hasn’t brought me this far to let me down now.
Xx
Jane
Jane, don’t be so hard on yourself. Nobody ever said, “Moving is so much fun, there’s no stress involved here.” You’ll get through this and before you know it, you’ll be sitting on your own private balcony, feeling the summer breeze blow across your face. You just have to get through this little bit of chaos first.