I'm grateful for increasing my daily running distance ever so slightly. I'm grateful for my dog's cuddles and company. I'm grateful for the ways my Program has expanded with my move to Denver. I'm grateful for the wisdom I hear daily from AA fellows. I'm grateful for the additional seating option I created for myself in our home office. I'm grateful for the meeting I attended and shared at last night. I'm grateful to have a deeper understanding of what freedom means in sobriety.
These days I've been lucky enough to be a sound sleeper, but last night this wasn't the case. I woke up around midnight for no apparent reason and then instantly my mind got hit with a slew of negative thoughts.
I remembered the confusing equity issues involving my old company. Then I recalled the still open legal case from 2021 with an individual whose dog attacked my dog. Soon enough some of the darkest "classic" alcoholic memories came roaring back - everything from an awful bachelorette party in New Orleans to me being escorted from the offices of a former company in a blackout.
Initially I was so confused. One - why did I wake up randomly in the middle of the night when there were no external factors like my dog barking or another loud sound? Two - why am I being plagued with old memories in such quick succession and letting my mind unravel?
After spiraling for another 30 seconds, I took in a deep breath. I slowly began to hear something. It was my inner AA voice. It started talking to me like a compassionate friend...
"Wait, what are we doing here? Usually we sleep so calmly. We need to wake up early tomorrow so let's pivot our thinking to ensure we aren't grumpy in the morning. Also, why are we rummaging up these negative events that we've already relived ad nauseam? Don't do this to us. We know better than to treat ourselves this way."
It was comforting having this internal voice, caring and patient in tone, telling me to pause. It reminded me that no good can come from continued self-pity and self-flagellation. Instead my inner AA voice let me pivot my thinking and recall how much work I've done over the past few years to better myself...
"We're in AA now so use the tools we've gained to shift our mindset. Shift it towards something constructive and peaceful. Know the past cannot be changed so move onto reflecting about the gifts we've been given today and the things we are excited about."
Thanks to my practice of Daily Gratitude texts, listing what I'm grateful for in that moment came easily - a super cozy and warm bed, clean and soft sheets, a roof over my head, the small tree outside our window whose bright green Spring leaves are getting bigger, recounting the various moments recently my HP has worked in my favor to give me what I wanted andneeded at the exact right time, the privilege I have to live my life in the ways I want to again.
Then I transitioned my thinking to what I'm looking forward to - getting invited to dinner by a fellow who I've connected with across a few meetings, the fun ideas I have to make my home office more optimal, the new podcast episodes I'll be listening to on my run tomorrow, the hikes we should tackle this weekend since the weather will be pristine in the mountains.
While it still took a little time to fall back asleep, I was relieved that me being awake for no reason in the middle of the night didn't mean I was haunted by my past. This was customary back in my drinking days. A quiet environment with only the sound of my inner thoughts would put me in a depression. To get out of it I felt my only solution was vodka, which obviously made everything incredibly worse.
But now I can sit with my thoughts thanks to AA. Using the framework of the Steps, I have cultivated an inner voice that speaks to me kindly and compassionately. I can fast forward through the negative parts of my thinking more easily and get to a more optimal place. This healthy inner voice has thankfully shown up in real-time more often of late. Last week it started talking to me when I was in a disagreement with my partner and reminded me - as the two of us were in the thick of it - to de-escalate the situation by not being defensive or passive aggressive (negative traits of mine I codified in Step 4) and know that being the "winner" in this conversation meant both of us have to feel better at the end (Step 10 muscle being exercised here). In my alcoholic days, even if I wasn't drunk at the time, I never had any constructive voice guiding me. Instead I'd rely on whatever impulse came to the forefront of my mind and acted upon it, consequences be damned.
I realize this inner AA voice is my Higher Power taking care of me. It gets stronger with each passing day as long as I stay close to the Program by practicing the Steps and listening to my fellows. Sometimes I need to give myself a little time to wallow in my defective thinking, but thankfully I know that remaining there leads to nothing but imbalance. Quick action through listening to my inner AA voice puts me back in serenity and ultimately allows me to be of service to myself and others.