I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a fresh week and for coffee. I’m grateful for my sponsor, my sponsees, stability, willingness, communication, books, friends and rest. I’m grateful for moments full of joy, experimenting with that works for me and for feeling loved.
Good morning my friends! As always, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is ready to face the fresh week ahead (:
Today, I am sad and distracted and I don’t particularly want to or am ready to talk about it here. What I can say is that a few days ago someone asked me about my emotional sobriety from year 1-2 and truthfully didn’t have any. It has taken a TON of work to even be able to understand what I’m feeling in any given moment and that is so okay. It takes time.
I told the person who asked me that between my first and second year it constantly felt like my emotions were slipping through my fingers and everything felt 100x heavier than it really was.
Today, I’m definitely better at managing and actually holding onto my emotions but this day feels 100x heavier. I am tired. I have worked and explained and accepted and adapted and approached with kindness, and haven’t approached with kindness and learned and have been willing and have been sorry and have tried again and none of it seems to be working and I am tired.
Anyway, all last week I was much much better about getting out of bed at 7:30, journaling and praying and even starting work a little earlier so I didn’t feel so overwhelmed. Today I slept later than I should have an am a little behind so I’m going to skedaddle here.
The bottom line though is that I don’t know if anyone ever achieves 100% emotional sobriety, that my sadness will pass, that just because I’m a little late today doesn’t mean I can’t start again tomorrow. Just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I didn’t have a wonderful Saturday night with friends who mean the world to me, and it doesn’t mean I can’t call on them or any of my other friends when I am ready to talk about it. It doesn’t mean that I will always be sad or that I have to drink over it and truly that’s the biggest gift of them all – understanding that I’m sad but not once thinking a drink might be the solution.
Xx
Jane