I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the long weekend, for spending time with my parents on Tuesday, for gentle reminders and conversations with my sponsor. I’m grateful for tarot cards, my journals, the new book I’m reading and my sponsees. I’m grateful for big lessons, the support I have and for getting to spend the weekend with my two favorite pups.
Good morning my friends :)
As always, I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and if you have time off for the holiday weekend, I hope you’re doing something relaxing!
I personally am exhausted – mentally, physically, and emotionally. I mentioned last week this exciting thing happening, which is genuinely very exciting and hopefully I’ll be able to share with you soon, but I’m stressed. And I’m scared.
I’m scared of starting all the way back at square zero, I’m scared maybe my efforts haven’t been enough. I’m scared of losing hope. I’m spread thin right now and I’m having a hard time articulating what I need. I guess I’m just looking for patience and comfort and hoping I’ll be on the other side soon.
And then a friend sent me the Daily Reflection for today – God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way…Through these experiences we discover deeper dimensions of ourselves.
I am extraordinarily hopeful that what is going on is going to work out. I believe that HP is ready to move me out of the space I have been in for so long. There is a level of desperation I have that I know HP feels. I have taken the next right actions; I am doing all that I can and I really do believe that HP isn’t planning on having me start back at square one.
But this experience is teaching me. It’s teaching me the power of true honesty, of reaching out and asking for help, of finding confidence and belief in myself. That the right things really do come when you’re ready and that HP always has my back. It’s teaching me how to get through really stressful things while still leaning on my program and my Higher Power. It’s teaching me that it’s okay to not always feel certain and that patience is necessary AND that I’m a person not a saint. I feel human emotions, the good and the bad, all of the time and that is okay. I have pushed through so much anxiety and fear these past few days, more than I think I ever have before.
And so, if this thing doesn’t actually work out, look at how much I’ve learned. How much I can share with other people now and let them know they aren’t alone, and they can get through it too.
The miracle of this whole thing is that I’ve never not once wanted a drink. I’ve wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but I can’t cry right now because I’m moving too fast and when I finally slow down, and everything hits me then the tears will come…but I have not for a second thought a drink would make any of this better.
So, to conclude, I know these micro holidays like Labor Day can be just as tough as the big holidays like Thanksgiving, but it’s just another weekend. It’s just another day. It will pass like all the rest, and we can spend it avoiding people drinking and doing something fun like going to a museum, or going for a long walk, or picking out a new book in the library. But I promise, a drink won’t be worth it this week. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that as always, if we can lean on each other we can get through it sober.
Xx
Jane