Returning Home

I'm grateful for an enjoyable run where I had the strength to push on elevation again. I'm grateful for how writing has become such an integral part of me processing things in life. I'm grateful for hearing a fellow who I haven't seen in a while qualify in-depth about her meditation practice. I'm grateful for having become much better at sitting with my thoughts and letting the negative ones pass through with greater ease. I'm grateful for an HOA meeting where everyone was refreshingly nice, something I never experienced in NYC. I'm grateful for a day counter who I've known since the beginning of my own sobriety still keeping at it despite the setbacks. I'm grateful for reflecting on just how many small "next right actions" AA has taught me because when I leverage them (or simply think about them) it provides me a wonderful sense of security. I'm grateful for the walls I had built up over the years to hide myself from people slowly melting away. I'm grateful for the joy I get from being in our home - it has become such a cozy, meaningful space to build memories. I'm grateful for my partner’s infectious laughter when I showed him the video of Werner Herzog saying "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on Conan.

One of the life developments I didn't mention in my previous post about musings at 40 is that I got engaged during that trip. It was a nice, simple little proposal at the Grand Canyon. While this is unequivocally good news, there was a voice in the back of my head thinking, "How am I going to address this with family?". It's funny there is always that voice in the back of my head.

I do come from a loving household, but it is steeped in religious orthodoxy. There are strict parameters on how I should comport myself in public and private because doing so means I am a good person in the eyes of God. As a gay alcoholic to say I've transgressed those boundaries innumerable times would still feel like an understatement.

However the more sober experience I gain, I am finding a happy medium between the religiosity I grew up with and my ever evolving personal form of spirituality. Discovering and defining that space for me has been part of the joy in working the Steps. I also think it is why I am not flipping out over how to share my (again joyous) update with my parents. Unfortunately we're still locked in a battle over my sexuality and for the past few years it has been peaceful because I haven't brought it up.

Strategic avoidance is of course not the answer when a major shift occurs in this area of my life. Luckily I feel like I am on strong enough sober footing where I know how to share the news with them in a kind, compassionate, and constructive way. In fact I've already taken several actions that would seem incredibly foreign to my former alcoholic self.

First, I booked a trip back to NYC to talk to them. If they want to engage in-person then I certainly have nothing to hide and should make myself available. I am sure they will have plenty of questions or feedback and I owe them answers face-to-face. I know it'll be a rough conversation, but the right thing to do to honor them is to show up, which for this alcoholic is certainly turning a new leaf.

Second, I asked for help from a cousin around how to navigate the upcoming journey, something a quasi lone-wolf type like myself would never have done when vodka seemed like the obvious next right answer. Thankfully a drink has not crossed my mind as an option. Today it is about surrounding myself with community that can provide me advice, love, and support as I tread complex territory.

Third, part of the guidance I got was sharing my news in an email prior to my trip. This way, regardless of how the conversation goes while I'm there, they will always have a mature, structured, and honest message to refer to after all is said and done. Because of Step 8 work, such an approach felt natural and correct. I've already written the email out, shared it for feedback, and will send the message off later today.

I share the above to remind myself I am ultimately on solid ground because of sobriety. I can welcome the joys and the less-than-ideal stuff without searching for booze. Just as importantly, I am able to temper my defects with the next right moves that the Steps have taught me and that the stories I've heard in these rooms have taught me. Next week in NYC should be interesting, but I am luxuriating in the miracle that I am feeling strong in my emotional sobriety. Only four years ago anything, and I mean anything, was an excuse to get blacked out. Right now AA is empowering me to find ways to protect my serenity while still being able to engage healthily with the broader world.