Routine As A Prison

I'm grateful for acknowledging my slide into a defect, but letting that happen without judgement and then letting it pass without a desire to linger. I'm grateful for a hot morning run where I stayed mentally tough despite feeling off. I'm grateful for my physical health. I'm grateful for the mantra "just do the next right, tiny action" to sustain me through a series of irritating events. I'm grateful for starting the exercise of creating a short, but helpful, game plan on how I can improve certain areas of my life. I'm grateful for opening our windows at sunset and feeling the beautiful breeze rush in to cool our home. I'm grateful for staying silent instead of seeking to control a situation by speaking. I'm grateful for watching my mind regularly as it helps me engage with the world in a more mature fashion. I'm grateful for the reminder to speak to myself as if I would a friend. I'm grateful for quiet walks with Harper in our neighborhood - having nothing playing in my ears makes it so much more relaxing.

I've shared in the past a fair amount about how important my routines are to keeping my serenity, opening up gateways to my Higher Power, and generally offsetting a lot of innate defects. However because of recent shifts in life I've started wondering whether routines can feel like a prison. Even if they're healthy, such as running or frequenting AA meetings, can these actions transform into impediments for growth?

I'm starting to sense like they might. Not in a hugely detrimental way, but I feel as if their impact, or at least my interest in them, is making me question whether I need to shake things up. Being a creature of habit, while not totally negative, can mean that I am prone to complacency, inertia, and lethargy. Such inactivity, when left unaddressed, has a tendency to spill over into other areas of my life where I actually need to be a lot more dynamic, inventive, and curious.

So how can I begin the process of changing? Personally speaking, the best move is to look at pleasant routines first, like running, that have only recently been making me antsy. If I successfully change something easier then I'll garner the courage, the much needed momentum, to tackle something harder.

I will admit I am pretty scared about breaking routines, especially healthy ones. I know from past experiences that when I stop then the process of jumping back in the saddle is much harder. For example, I'll have a taste of what freedom is like when I don't run for a few days and instead get familiar with a pint of Van Leeuwen ice cream in the back of my freezer. Come the weekend I'm just sitting on my couch counting several empty pints of ice cream and wondering what the hell happened. As a result I won’t stop running, even with diminishing results, because I’m scared of being unable to change for the better.

However fear, as I've reminded myself countless times, is a poor mental state for me to inhabit. Fear was why I drank for many years and I don't want it to dictate my sobriety. Thankfully from the stories fellows share in the rooms to how I leverage the wisdom found in AA's 12 Steps, I am better equipped today to create a positive mental space where I can effect change in conscientious, smart ways.

Back to running, I know that even if I paused for a few days I actually do have the right tools to avoid Step 4 defects from surfacing. I can employ teachings from Steps 6, 7, and 11 to realize I have extra hours in my day to explore changing my life for the better. I can engage in activities that've been on my list for ages like reading a book, swimming, tennis, signing up for a writing class, etc. instead of wallowing in destructive tendencies. With time and practice these once elusive aspirations in my head can become inedible parts of my daily practice. It certainly was the case when I started with running, with gratitude lists, with writing, and so much more.

Lastly an important reality for me to keep in mind is that fresh routines might become future prisons. That's life though. Part of the journey is being ok with the transience of things. But, if I remain Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing as the Big Book says on page 568, I can find the grace to forgive myself for re-entering this prison while maintaining a spirit of flexibility that permits discovery of new healthy habits on a regular basis.