I'm grateful for my new, temporary, morning routines. I'm grateful to reflect on my earliest AA days and appreciate my growth since then. I'm grateful for perseverance and imperfection. I'm grateful for the temperature ticking back up after a chilly few days. I'm grateful for running a little longer yesterday than I have in a while. I'm grateful for discussions around humility and surrender in varying aspects of life. I'm grateful for in-home laundry. I'm grateful for enjoying the small, mundane things today since a lot of change is coming.
The past week I've had a few edgy moments. Nothing too destabilizing, but it has been a rewarding exercise to watch my mind and realize those not-so-great Step 4 character defects need not get the best of me.
With our move to Denver there are a myriad of projects to juggle. Relying on external parties (moving company, building management, contractors, etc.) has occasionally strained my patience and escalated my need to control things. Why can't a HOA request be processed along my timeline? Why does a simple paint job require continual oversight? Why can't UPS deliver during the timeframe they say they would? It has been interesting going through these events with the voice of AA in my ear.
The moments where I faltered were especially enlightening. I knew what I was doing was probably not for the best. I knew the easier, long-term salve was to pause, let go of the reins, and have the universe work things out. But I wanted the quick fix. I wanted to feel like I am making a difference, which meant intervening.
Sometimes things went my way, but mostly they didn't. However the knowledge of what was happening with a clear mind, not muddled by the effects of alcohol, let me do real-time post mortems. It felt good to understand that even though I did something incorrectly I had the courage to honestly reflect on why and then quickly forgive myself. Grace entered my conscience and I said to self, "Self, you didn't do the best job here, but you recognize that, learn how to do better next time, and move on with your day". That's not something I did while drinking. I'd huff and puff, have a "woe is me" mentality, dwell long enough so that I allowed other dark, completely unrelated thoughts to arise, and then eventually douse myself with vodka. That "poor me, poor me, pour me a drink" AA phrase was a daily mental journey.
Nowadays it's nice to be able to watch my mind, like an outside observer, and give myself the constructive advice and genuine love I'd provide a fellow. If I don't pause in the moment, I pause after. If I do well in the moment, good! Recognize the spectrum of my reactions and continue to exercise the Step 10 muscle I need to flex all the time. Someone said at a meeting recently that their life is filled with situations, not problems. I like the way they phrased that. Reframe negativity into something more objective, more situational, and thereby allow myself the space to react with maturity.
As my time in sobriety continues, it'll be interesting to observe how my mind grows up and my relationship with Step 4 "defects" evolve. I'm hoping more serenity will enter, but we'll see. For now it's humbling to think about all these life tools gained from simply giving up one thing in my life. It's truly beautiful, the privilege of being in this program.