I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for when we both wake up before the alarm and get a few quiet minutes together. I’m grateful for the sunrise, for strawberry cream cheese and for little changes to my morning routine. I’m grateful for AA, that it’s almost the weekend, for my sponsor and for self-care.
Good morning, friends!
I hope everyone has been enjoying their week and is getting ready for the weekend :)
Today, I am interrupting our regularly scheduled Sober Diary to do something a little different. Not quite a mid-month recap and not a weeks’ worth of journals – but something right up the middle.
Usually, I sit down, write and post. So, whatever I am feeling in those moments is what you are reading. Same thing with the journals, the only difference is that those get typed exactly as they were written just with light editing in terms of grammar and spelling.
Yesterday, I was extremely overwhelmed by work, being burnt out and by my emotions. So – I headed to my notes on my phone and just dumped everything I was feeling with the intention of posting it here today.
After I took a step back though, had some time to calm down, went to a meeting and cried to Timmy – I realized a lot of things. So today I’d like to share with you what I wrote and the take aways after letting the emotions pass.
First! Here is what I wrote yesterday (Thursday, 3/15 around 3:00pm):
I am a person. I have feelings and emotions and I am not a robot. I do not live to work; I am sensitive and impatient and take things way too personal. I am a people pleaser I have a very difficult time saying no and often explode when I am over extended. I have temper.
I’m working on all those things. And even that gets frustrating. Because I am trying so hard to be a better person but sometimes, I still want to run over slower walkers and tell the people on the subway that they are not following subway etiquette…and they really should.
I am super self-righteous; my default is selfish and self-centered. I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid of taking risks, I’m afraid of being uncomfortable, I’m afraid of being judged, I’m afraid of being left behind.
The only reason I ever had no fear before was because of alcohol. It made me falsely feel confident and powerful and free when I’m reality it was all a delusion, and I was powerless.
So, I feel like shit. I’m tired and grumpy. But I hope that I can help someone else who may also be tired and grumpy. Because ultimately that’s the best thing to make me feel better. That’s the best medicine for staying sober.
Looking back at what I wrote later, when I felt better, made me see the importance of stepping away, letting emotions flow, and pivoting how I’m feeling. I was feeling like shit but how can I take that and help someone else?
I was at my limit yesterday – so I needed to pause. I can’t giveaway anything if my own cup is empty. I needed to find some ways to practice self-care. (That self-care looked like crying and watching Ted Lasso.) Because I can’t giveaway anything with an empty cup.
I see that I really need to set better boundaries (which I know has been a common theme lately…). I need to learn that saying no isn’t a bad thing but a necessary thing. I did not make my emotions a call to action in a negative way – the actions that they called for was using the tools I’ve been taught.
And most importantly, the overall point that I’d like to get across today is to give yourself and the people around you some slack. We are all trying. We all want to be happy. And sometimes it’s exhausting. But we are doing it one day at a time and that is all that matters. Bad days happen, emotions run high, I have been saying all week that I want to bury my head in the sand like road runner. But then little things happen that make me smile, I do something nice for someone else, I don’t actually run anyone over who walks slow, and I feel a little proud of myself.
It always gets better.
xx
Jane
Thank you always for reading and always here to chat ❣️❣️
I love what you wrote, and that you've shared it. Thank you. I'm going to pay attention to the need to give myself some slack - that's such excellent advice.
But wait just a second: strawberry cream cheese? This is a thing? Sounds AMAZING....! ♥️