That Too, Is Annoying
This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl
I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a good day at work. I’m grateful for two walks all by myself with the dog which is a big win in my book. I’m grateful for the sitter taking care of Ori this coming weekend, I’m grateful for the patience people give me, for my service commitments, for our home, for my birthday soon, for seeing my parents soon, for seeing the beach soon, for sitting in the sun, for new books, for always learning and for a fresh week.
Good evening friends! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend as per usual (:Â
What was meant to be an afternoon post turned into an after hours post and THIS is why I try to write in the morning or on a Sunday but here we are. Nonetheless I am still in a ‘what to write’ predicament even after a full day. The other downfall here is that my brain is melting so everybody just bear with me, okay?Â
Basically, I am feeling much better this week than I was last week and last week's 3 little bullets really helped me make some sense of what I was trying to say so let’s try it again shall we? Very diary-esk as this was always supposed to be, no?Â
Honestly, last week's super in depth gratitude really helped. I basically asked my sponsor straight up two weeks ago if she thinks I have a chemical imbalance which first of all, as a general disclaimer, a sponsor is not a therapist & she would never be able to actually diagnose me with a chemical imbalance. BUT with that she asked me if I was practicing gratitude, going to meetings, journaling and praying to which I was of course doing none of and to which she suggested I should probably do those things, see if I feel better and THEN we can talk about potential imbalances. I’ve prayed & journaled the last few days & of course I feel a lot better. But I'm annoyed that I do. Because it would be easier to just say I’m depressed than to actually do the work.Â
In that same breath, I am really trying to be less bitter. The past 6 months I’ve been so mean. Especially to people on the street. So I’ve been going out of my way to smile at people instead of calling them dicks or yell at children (yes, I’ve been soooooo unhinged) and that too has been helping. That too is annoying because it’s so much easier to say - well this bad thing happened and therefore I’m allowed to be mad at the world.Â
I just started reading this new book (fiction of course, I gave up on self help a long time ago), and basically it’s about allllll these different people who work in the same place and what goes on in the course of 24 hours. A lot of the reviews about this book speak to how people don’t like the book because it has too many different points of view. Well in the course of only a few pages, I find it to be a really nice reminder about how every single person you encounter is dealing with something. Maybe it's something big like an addiction, sickness, death, old and new traumas. Or maybe it’s small like a stubbed toe, a bad day at work, crummy weather, plain & simple woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But we don’t know what other people are going through, we don’t know what struggles someone else might be facing. Kindness can really go a long way (and yes, this is a good reflection point for my earlier bullet).Â
I feel newly energized in finding new ways to take care of myself. An extra walk, eating healthier, finding new ways to be creative. I’m finding new ways to believe in myself, the hard work I’ve put in. I’m finding new ways to love myself even when I slip and fall. And that’s the whole point isn't it? Every day I’m not drinking I get to discover and rediscover pieces of myself, and other people. And that’s a really beautiful thing that I keep seeing in new ways all of the time.Â
So the past week hasn’t been anything special but it’s been full of little wins, little steps forward, little changes in perspective and that is truly all I can ask for.
xx Â
Jane