I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the saying “we don’t know what we don’t know” and for my mom helping me cook yesterday and for support from my dad. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, for good friends and for great AA meetings. I’m grateful for my sponsees, early mornings and the smell of coffee and sage.
Good morning my friends :)
I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and is feeling recharged for the week ahead!
I got it into my head this morning that I should be writing more about the 12 steps and how I recover and then it dawned on me, if you guys didn’t like what I wrote you wouldn’t read it. And then it dawned on me that this is part of my recovery, telling myself repeatedly that the negative thoughts meant to drag me down are not real.
The steps are absolutely engrained in every part of my life, but my disease isn’t linear, and it doesn’t always show up in just the form of “I really want to drink right now”.
It shows up like – I actually cooked chicken yesterday, raw chicken that I seasoned and put in the air fryer because I haven’t been eating breakfast or lunch lately and I’ve been losing weight because of it and that is making my eating disorder so happy. So, I made four lunches to bring with me to work but I’m terrified that I’m actually going to get salmonella and die. So maybe I’ll just throw all the chicken out. My fear of not being in control also makes me susceptible to a drink. The solution is HP, my community, and the program.
I have a sponsee who has a really hard time making it through the weekends without drinking. Which is normal and okay, and I told her I will not break up with her because of that, I won’t yell at or scold her, I just ask her to be honest with me because this is an honest program. I was blessed with having my obsession lifted early, I knew what I needed to do, was guided to AA, and dove right in. Sometimes my alcoholism will tell me “You’re not really a drunk” but I know that’s just my disease. But that’s not what it looks like for everyone and while I am helping this woman to stay sober, I can’t make it 39 minutes…...39 MINUTES people, without hitting my vape. My disease tells me that I don’t really have to quit, it’s not so bad, everyone else vapes so how am I supposed to quit. Those are the exact same thoughts I had when I was drinking. The solution is HP, my community, and the program.
I had my cup of coffee too early this morning and I’m already feeling a little manic and anxious. My inability to relax and take it easy also makes me susceptible to a drink. The solution is HP, my community, and the program.
The solution is always HP, our community, and the program. I could have turned to HP and asked for help when I couldn’t wait a full hour to hit my vape again but I didn’t. This is a really simple program, the solutions are all laid out for us, and I just make it really complicated sometimes.
And that is okay, because that is how we learn! But we don’t have to drink while we are learning and as I always say, we can tackle everything when we have each other to support and guide us.
Xx
Jane