I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for moments of quiet, for extra rest, for feeling productive and prioritizing self care. I’m grateful for HP, for AA, for my sponsor and my sponsees, for kindness, truth, coffee and good music.
Gooood morning my friends (: Happy Friday Junior! I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and has some fun plans for the weekend.
I am exhausted this week has kicked my ass personally and the only thing on my radar for this weekend is sleep. And so here are the status updates:
Yesterday I skipped a meeting to go to the gym and sit in the sauna. And no, that doesn’t make me a bad sober person. That doesn’t mean I’m putting other things above my sobriety, that just means I really needed the self care. This week as been so busy and I’ve rediscovered the pure bliss of sitting in a sauna, wrapped in warmth quiet. For my program, I really needed that moment of solitude.
We saw Dune 2 over the weekend last weekend which I absolutely loved so naturally I bought the book and truly all I want to do these days is sit in solitude and read. Again, that doesn’t make me a bad sober person. There is a huge difference between solitude and isolation in my mind and truthfully, my mind is going and going and going all of the time. Sometimes I just don’t want to critically think and I want to get lost in the worlds on pages.
My no vaping journey has been a struggle and IT IS SO CLEAR to me that the answer is complete abstinence. Controlled vaping is not working and it’s so surreal to me to see that when I stopped drinking I was fully and completely willing to turn my life over to AA. To admit I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. I need to find that same willingness in this situation too, throw my vape down the trash chute and hunker down for the three days I will be miserable I presume.
And finally I saw a post yesterday about “The In-between” that talked about the that space in-between the person you were and the person you’re becoming. How it can feel uncertain but so freeing. The gap between the future and the past like mountains and valleys creating a whole landscape and somehow, everything finds its place.
I am in the in-between and for a third time (for the people in the back) that does.not.make.me.a.bad.sober.person.
Old things don’t fit anymore, old feelings don’ fit anymore. I’m 99.99% sure I’ve spoken about my snake tattoo before that I got while I was drunk but told everyone afterwards that I got it because if a snake never shed it’s skin it would stay in the same tiny body so that tattoo reminds me how change is important.
Truly baffling to me how the messages were there long before I could see them and today, that tattoo holds the same meaning. Right now I am shedding old skin, growing so that I’m not dying. And it can feel incredibly lonely, and scary and sad. But I am excited to see (to meet quite frankly) the person I am becoming….hopefully that person doesn’t vape anymore (;
xx
Jane
I agree, huge difference between solitude and isolation; I find that some solitude supports my recovery too. Take care of yourself, have a great weekend!
Jane, everything and anything is possible. I see you evolving so much during this sober journey and I couldn’t be more amazed. I’m confident you will find the willingness and strength to throw your vape down the trash and commit to quitting with the same fervor you had when you stopped drinking.