The Spiral

This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl

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I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for my friends, my family and my partner. I’m grateful for AA and service. I’m grateful for rest, for books, for music, for new beginnings. I’m grateful for outlets that have nothing to do with drinking or drugs. I’m grateful for a great new job, I’m grateful for having resources and people to lean on.

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Good morning my friends (: Hope everyone had a nice weekend and is ready for my weekly series of random thoughts strung together. 

Anyone who knows me knows that my favorite band in the whole world is Tool. And if you know Tool you know and love Lateralus. Anndddd if you know and love Lateralus you know that the best part of the song begins at 7:18. All of that to say (and yes this is a very niche intro but if you know…you know…) I am in fact spiraling out, and if I ride the spiral to the end I may just go where know one’s (me) been. 

Also for anyone who is not a Tool fan, the first 7 minutes of that song are great too the last three just really pack a punch. 

Truly, how could I not use this picture…

My point here is that I am losing my mind. I feel in constant limbo and so super powerless / out of control. There is no solution that feels right. I am in the spiral. BUT I went to a meeting on Saturday and I went to a meeting on Sunday and I realized that a lot of other people are also in a spiral. Their very own one and their world feels super small too. It was humbling in a way to remember that everyone has their own shit. Mine is the most important to ME but so is everyone else’s. 

I know I need to have a little patience. I know I need to rely on a power greater than myself. And so if I ride the spiral to the end, I will come out a different person in a few ways. And that’s the whole point of growth right? And let me be clear, I am NOT ready to start making silver linings out of this, however a series of small epiphanies is manageable right now. 

And on the other side of this coin is the idea that I - my Tool loving, black belt in karate, strong indepent woman self, certainly has always had a lot of fear. But it is NOT me to be so paralyzed by said fears. It is not me to not face them. That said, I am not going to go stand in the dog park with my dog for some exposure therapy. But maybe I’m willing to take some small steps.

In the meantime, I’m going to listen to listen to Mr. Maynard James (shout out to all my Perfect Circle and/or Puscifer exclusive fans - so niche today) and pray and carry on in the best way that I can because there will be an end to this spiral and I think it might end up being a nice end. 

xx  

Jane