I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for writing on the terrace, for friends who make me smile, and for being able to help. I am grateful for our trip being so close, for new books and for meeting with my sponsor yesterday. I’m grateful for AA, for honesty and for the tools we are given in the program. I’m grateful for coffee, meeting with my sponsee tonight and for rest.
Good morning my friends!
As always, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and is feeling recharged for the week ahead :) This was the first weekend for us in five weeks that we didn’t have anything to do and let me tell yah, it was so nice to rest a little.
I did, however, get a new book which you will definitely hear about soon, I helped friends unpack the apartment they just moved into, and I met with my sponsor.
My sponsor and I call the things we are working on “our labs” and my lab lately has been letting go of control. And for me that has to start really small, like not freaking out if I only make one meeting a day instead of two. Not making a big deal out of the neon green sheets Timmy bought for our trip coming up…. not getting angry if I missed the train, not demanding people do things the way I want them to.
And while I will likely need to keep working on that lab forever, I still have been feeling like my emotions are out of control, and overall, just super stagnant.
So, when I met with my sponsor yesterday, I literally told her I need some tough love on how to get my shit together. She chose compassion instead (I have never stopped wanting what she has) and a few major things came out of our conversation.
1) Year two is just not easy. Year one is so exciting, every day sober is a miracle, and it still is now, but I felt so much more a liberty to not give a shit how erratic I was feeling because I was still in my first year. Now, I feel like I need to have my shit together, my emotions under control, my whole life figured out. And that’s a tremendous amount of pressure to put myself which is most certainly not necessary. Year two is still life on life’s terms and about letting go and letting God.
2) I still expect progress overnight and all the things I do on the outside are right, but what about my relationship with myself. I journal almost every day, I do service, I make a meeting almost every day, I approach most people and conversations with love, kindness, patience, and tolerance. I have a sponsor who I work the steps with and a sponsee who I take through the steps. I find new ways to connect HP…but I still hate myself. I still criticize myself on how much weight I’ve gained, how emotional I am. I am constantly choosing really negative words when I talk to myself. I tell myself I’m not working hard enough; I’ll never be enough. I am constantly judging myself and that’s what needs to change. There is this woman I know who is 125% herself all the time and I envy that so much because I am still afraid that 125% of me isn’t right. So, my newest lab is – accepting that the person I am today is the best I can be right now. Getting rid of the negative words from my vocabulary. Finding confidence within myself and taking some of that love that I pour outward and pouring it towards myself too.
3) My sponsor says that until she worked the steps, she was shoving her way through life. And I have felt like that too but recently, it feels less like I’m shoving and more like I’m being shoved through life.
All of these things are okay. I will be okay and if you feel them as well, you will be okay too. I think awareness is one of the most powerful things because it allows you to see what needs to be adjusted. Progress does not happen overnight. We ask for progress not perfection. I can break old habits, change the narrative and one day hopefully, I will write to all of you that I love 126% of myself ;) But in the meantime, I won’t drink. I won’t sit in self-pity; I will continue to pray and work the steps and trust HP and know that I don’t have to have it all figure out right now. And neither do you, my friends.
Xx
Jane
One of the strategies I used to stop talking negatively to myself was to plain old interrupt when I began. Like, my brain would start, "You're not good enough, you can't do this, yadda yadda," and I would literally say, "Nope, I'm not going to do that to myself today. I am choosing a different thought." And I'd choose a different thought (hopefully a positive one 😉) It's hard, and it feels awkward and goofy at first, and for awhile I had to do it 2398340 times a day, but eventually the self-abuse lessened, and now when it does come, it's a lot less venomous and evil and I can stop it almost immediately and find compassion for myself. Progress, not perfection, indeed. (And: one day at a time, friend.)
Was there a full moon this weekend? The negative self-talk engulfed me this past weekend and led me into an emotional hangover that I am still recovering from. Great newsletter! Gentle reminders like this remind me to use the steps in all situations and to trust in a Higher Source that things will turn out okay.