I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for a productive morning with my mom yesterday and spending sometime regrouping last night. I’m grateful for another new sponsee, my sponsor who guides me and for quiet mornings. I’m grateful for clarity, coffee, and good music.
Good morning my friends!
Hope you have been enjoying the week and have some fun weekend plans lined up :) It has been so gloomy here in New York lately, the mornings start out cloudy and chilly and of course the sun hasn’t been coming out until I step foot into the office…someone send me back to the beach.
I (naturally) have a lot of things on my mind this morning and I’m not really sure what to write about. I could write about my parents – I had what I felt like was a really productive conversation with her yesterday morning and at the end of the day, we both just need to be validated.
My parents are good parents and alcoholism all the way around is hard, suffocating sometimes, difficult to navigate. But I was talking to a sponsee the other day about how much of a blessing it is that we so deeply can feel, we are able to go so far past the surface. When I love I love hard, when I’m angry my whole body is angry with me. While it may not always be fun, I genuinely believe it is such a gift.
And so, my point is sometimes my love for my parents doesn’t come out the way I intend to and I know it’s the same way for them, but fortunately we will always be here for one another.
Secondly, I am consciously choosing to be very vague about this one particular thing because this a public platform however – I think the point will remain.
I often talk about being stuck or lost in the past. And lately I have been choosing to make changes in the present that will hopefully open the door to a future that I couldn’t have imagined. But with that comes some trauma. I have been told I’ll never find anything better, the grass isn’t always greener, I have the voices of other people ringing in my head that put me almost in a state of paralysis. I try to do a good thing for myself, and a trauma response follows.
But I am learning, slowly, that those things may have been said before, but that doesn’t mean they’re true. I can have these fears and work through them not over them and betting on yourself isn’t selfish, it’s ending the cycle I’ve been in or at least taking the next right actions in trying to.
Of course, there’s more rattling around in my brain but I came back inside because it’s just a little too chilly outside for me right now only to find a ladybug has broken into the apartment. This is the second one in two days, maybe it’s the same one trying to escape the chilliness too – but if that’s not a sign of good luck as I write about facing my fears, I don’t know what is ;)
Xx
Jane
“And so, my point is sometimes my love for my parents doesn’t come out the way I intend to and I know it’s the same way for them, but fortunately we will always be here for one another.”
Love this ❤️