I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for seeing my parents this week, conversations with my sponsor, seeing my closest friends last night, Timmy’s anniversary coming up and for a beautiful morning. I’m grateful for music, a clean apartment, rest and a really nice weekend.
Good morning my friends :)
As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend - whether you rested or caught up on chores, or did something exciting. I hope it was exactly what you wanted it to be!
So as many of you know, life over here has gotten tremendously busy lately. There’s been a lot of change, a lot of needing to adapt and as I know you guys are well aware of the fact that my morning routine needed some adjusting.
As some of you are also aware, my mornings are so precious to me. So calm and quiet before the day starts, it’s the only time I have just with myself. And previously I had built in time to connect with God and that was through writing my prayers down in my journal. I felt more connected that way in a sense, like if it was on paper it was structured and permanent.
I have been very anti the traditional hitting your knees thing. I had so much fear of the Catholic God and felt like if my Higher Power is of my own conception I can make prayer look like however I want it too. And that is still to this day totally fine - If you are like me and don’t jive with the guy nailed to the cross, or the idea of popping onto your knees doesn't hit home, make your own way. Whatever helps you stay sober and connect, is whatever helps you.
But writing my prayers in my journal isnt working any more. Frankly, if the morning is too busy and I feel like I don’t have time I just don’t do it. I say to myself I’ll do it later and by the time later rolls around I’m in bed exhausted from the day, not having called my sponsor, prayed or sent my 10th Step inventory,
If we are not growing we’re dying. If we aren’t expanding our practices and our programs, if we are staying stagnant we are actually headed closer to a drink I think. And my Higher Power just won’t let it go recently, the subtle signs that perhaps it’s time to hit my knees again.
So this morning I did. First thing, before I sat down to write, before I cleaned up a little, before I made a bowl of cereal I hit my knees for the first time since I was counting days.
And it certainly wasn't perfect, I kind of babbled, I asked for help and I don’t feel renewed in my connection with God. But then, a small thought popped into my head - that if I just keep doing it, if I keep talking to HP and not get lazy with it and expand the ways I look for them, that sense of connection will come back.
So now I need to get in the shower, make the bed, make a cup of coffee, call my mom and send my gratitude list to my sponsees and my sober sister. And if the day gets crazy at the very least I can say that I connected with my Higher Power in a way that felt good this morning.
xx
Jane