I'm grateful for ordering Indian takeout just for me, which ensured I could make everything extra extra spicy. I'm grateful for a wonderfully calm last day of 2024. I'm grateful for how Harper reacted to the two new stuffed squeaker toys he got. I'm grateful for how much I've experimented with my running routes over the past week, it has made exercising feel more invigorating. I'm grateful for spending time writing long-form, an activity that feels daunting when I start, but ends up being incredibly rewarding once I finish. I'm grateful for leading a meeting twice in one day and hearing some pithy and poignant shares from several fellows. I'm grateful for reflecting on "Seeking Guidance", page 55 of "As Bill Sees It", which I found to be chock full of practical advice about how I should tackle quagmires in my life. I'm grateful for ending another year sober.
I've recently had the privilege of leading meetings a little more often than usual thanks to December being my anniversary month. Honestly I am not the most adept public speaker. I find the attention quite uncomfortable and the words coming out of my mouth during qualifications overly ornate. That being said it feels positive having these opportunities as they encourage me to pause and reflect on how sobriety is progressing. Having an external trigger pushing me to dig internally is always a welcome boon.
In my latest little anniversary spiel one phrase I said in particular during the meeting seemed to resonate. In fact an old-timer harped on it afterwards, which gave me further validation. Don't leave "until it clicks" was what I shared. It being AA of course. I like thinking about the phrase fairly regularly, especially as it pertains to my journey post-relapse.
I joined AA in February 2021, remained sober till November of that year, had a few weeks where I went back out, and returned for (hopefully) the last time on December 7, 2021. The months between February and November were kind of a whirlwind. I was meeting more new people than I had in a long while. I was getting presented a ton of information about how I needed to totally change everything about me. In retrospect it almost feels inevitable that I relapsed. I was very likely overwhelmed so I began treating AA as a homework assignment. I knew how to do homework. In school I was good at it. So I did AA while at meetings, in conversations with my sponsor or another fellow, but afterwards I checked back into doing life the usual, directionless way when I was away from those sober spaces.
By the time I relapsed I thankfully had a small, but amazing network of sober people who showed me nothing short of kindness and generosity upon my return. I hadn't had this reaction to my drinking ever. That new development along with feeling utterly fatigued from drinking - both physically and mentally - ensured I found the grace to return. This time however I wanted to do AA for me, regardless of the "grade" others might prescribe.
So I stayed. I don't know why or exactly when, but the language of the Big Book started to feel less antiquated and bland and more current and vibrant. The open-ended, “choose-your-own-adventure” definition of what a Higher Power means wasn't daunting anymore, but rather liberating and exciting. The discovery of certain harmful behavioral patterns I had practiced throughout my life were realities to no longer run away from or ignore, but instead to understand and work on reforming. Eventually enough time passed such that AA concepts simply started clicking. It started clicking around things well beyond my obsession with drinking. When I felt anger at a stranger for walking too slowly on the sidewalk, I tapped in to AA. When it was too cold outside and I didn't feel like going on my daily run, I tapped into AA. When conversations with my parents were veering into unhealthy territory, I tapped into AA. When deciding on whether to move to Denver or remain in NYC, I tapped into AA. AA became integrated into my life and my life started clicking. By clicking I definitely don't mean I was going from one success to another, it simply means I was collecting emotionally sober life experiences that served as vital proof points around how I can reengage with the world without finding ways to implode.
I realize "Until It Clicks" is analogous to another phrase we use, "Don't Leave Before The Miracle Happens". Both are great. I simply find "Clicks" is personally less pressure-inducing when it comes to acknowledging changes whereas "Miracle" leads me to believe only huge events can be transformational. Whatever the phrasing though, I'm excited for a New Year approaching. 2024 proved to be quite momentous for a plethora of reasons, not the least of which involved moving to a new city, making a house a home, and finding a brand new sober community. I'm confident 2025 will bring with it a whole host of new sober experiences, many of which I hope will teach me how to keep on clicking.
