I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for knowing that I’m not alone, for a cool and rainy day and for rest. I’m grateful for my service commitments, for forgiveness, for all my books, journals, coffee and for a fresh week.
Good morning my friends :)
I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that you were hopefully able to rest and recharge for the week ahead!
I have been feeling very off-kilter these past few days, and I’m not really sure where it’s coming from. There has been what feels like a constant stream of bad news lately, some of my boundaries are being pushed or completely broken, I feel blocked from HP and just out of balance.
I try to start my mornings slowly, taking my time, talking to God and lately I just feel like I can’t hold on to any moments of calm or I can’t catch my breath. I can’t even sit here and write, get out what I want and need to say without being distracted by 10 other things that need attention.
I’m just frustrated and feel a little lost again. My sponsor and I talked about my insane need to control over the weekend, and all of the pressure I put on myself to have a “good” program. Maybe what I actually need is two service commitments instead of three, allow myself to make one meeting a day instead of two. Loosen my grip on my program she said and loosen my grip on my life I added. Wear my sobriety like a loose garment Let go and let God, all of the things.
Maybe I need to revisit step three for a little, spend some time refocusing on turning my will and my life over. I just know that I am uncomfortable, that something needs to change, and I may not have all of the clarity yet, but it’s the same way I felt when I was drinking – I don’t want to live in this cycle anymore.
I’m sorry that today isn’t a happier post. I know my mom is going to call me and tell me that she is concerned that I’m always saying I feel lost. But one thing I do know is that I need my people, and you guys are my people. You make me smile and feel joy when I need it the most.
So, thank you, for always being here.
Xx
Jane
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This too shall pass. Breathe.