Whispers Until It Screams

This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl

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I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for air conditioning and the thought of Fall being around the corner. I am grateful for my sponsor, my sponsees, and for the needlepoint I’m making as a gift for my mom. I am grateful for how much my dad has helped me these past few days, for kind words from others when I really need it and for simplicity.

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Good morning, friends!

As always, I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and has something exciting (including relaxing and/or resting) planned for the weekend :)

The day has finally arrived in which I can share with you that…. I got a new job!! Now this may not sound like that big of a deal however, there’s a lot of baggage here. Work has been one of the biggest stressors through my sobriety up until now.

For the past year I have been searching for a new job, constantly arguing with myself about “is it the right time?” “I have to leave” “God doesn’t row the boat for you” “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life” “I’m not good enough” “Maybe people were right, I’ll never find anything better”.

I have looked and then given up. Interviewed, been ghosted, gotten frustrated and given up. I would tell myself I can only take so much rejection at one time and then sit in what was making me so unhappy, but what I was used to for so long.

Pages 86-88 in the Big Book talk about intuitive thought. And having just made conscious contact, we might not always have this intuition, but think we do and act in absurd ways. For a long time, I didn’t know what HP was saying to me. What HP needed me or wanted me to do, where HP wanted me to go. I would just ask to please be guided and remember that “thy will be done”. Let me be of service and hold on while the rest of it gets figured out.

I really like the sayings that our bodies whisper to us until it screams. Or the universe whispers, HP, God whatever you choose to call it, until it screams. HP had been whispering to me, every time I wrote here about pain or being lost, HP was talking to me. Until HP started screaming.

I have been so uncomfortable, so unhappy and in so much pain. And a few weeks ago, out of nowhere I had this thought (intuitive?). I reached out to someone and asked for help.  And with so much kindness they helped me. Completely unbeknownst to them – they lead me out of the darkness to a safer place.

Of course, I’m a little scared. I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing for half a decade – it’s the only thing I’ve known. I’m still scared of failing, not being enough, the other shoe dropping. But over these past few weeks I have leaned into HP more than I ever have before and look how it turned out!

So, I know I need to continue leaning in, trusting, and letting go. Someone said to me that I cannot enter this new position with all the armor I had on from before. So, I will be doing a mini fourth and fifth step, I will be doing a fear inventory, and some serious prayer and meditation before I start. I will also be cutting my long hair short because…we’re in a phase of change so why not ;)

Overall, this experience has really taught me the power of just leaning in and trusting. Of listening and taking the next right action. Of asking for help in AND out of the program.

HP has brought us this far; they are not going to let us down now.

Xx

Jane