You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know
This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl
I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for time with friends this weekend, for the holidays around the corner, for reading more again and for talking to my sponsor. I’m grateful for rest, for the nice weather, for learning, for honesty and for growth.
Goooood morning my friends (:
As always, I hope everyone had a nice weekend! My head is all over the place this morning (one of the downfalls of NOT journaling might I add). But before I get into my typical word vomit tis the season for my holiday reminders – PSA the holiday season is upon us.
And whether you have already decorated or are a firm ‘do no decorate before Thanksgiving’ person – the holidays can be tricky. But above all else they are just another day, and we can all get through them without drinking.
This year is a particularly charged time to maybe be with family. Sometimes being with family is charged in general. Go prepared with people to text or call, find local meetings, maybe don’t go if that’s what’s ultimately best for you. But don’t drink, you don’t have to I promise.
Now onto the word vomit – I am. So. Burned. Out. I heard a speaker yesterday who was talking about relapse and basically, she was saying that she’s not going to beat herself up with ‘I was doing all the wrong things or things I wasn’t supposed to’ she just didn’t know then what she knows now.
And I truly believe that applies to all of life. This year has been one big giant fucking growing pain and I very much so ready to come out on the other side here. But this whole year has also been about learning what I don’t know.
I didn’t know how it feels to be on the other side of losing a sponsee. I didn’t know what it was like to have sponsee’s ghost you and reach out MONTHS later to tell you that they are finally doing really well. I didn’t know what it was like to end a friendship that didn’t fit anymore, to respect my boundaries and to come out not only not alone but ALSO with a new appreciation for the friendships that don’t ask me to be anything other than me.
I didn’t know what it was like to 1) not have a psychotic boss and 2) receive a relatively negative performance review because I could genuinely do better and then putting everything, I had into doing better all to receive a really great review but feel so shot that cleaning my apartment is a task I simply cannot handle right now. I still DON’T know how to speak up when I’m feeling that way in a place that’s not AA and ask for help and a break.
I didn’t know what it was like to be a dog mom and how much of a change owning a pet really is (shout out to the moms and dads with human children – don’t know how y’all do it).
I didn’t know what it was like to no longer live two blocks away from your home group. There’s a lot of things I didn’t know that I have learned, and I am still learning how to navigate.
My apartment is so gross and needs to be cleaned so bad, but I am so tired and that’s just going to have to be okay for right now.
I really did not want to go to that meeting yesterday, but I was reminded of the importance of learning what you don’t know and how it changes you are you do learn.
I really want to decorate for Christmas and slowly sip my coffee and read a book and spend all day at the park with my dog but it’s Monday so - Back on the horse, back to learning as I go, back to beating myself up less and appreciating more and finding comfort in the fact that I don’t always know. But I will always learn.
Xx
Jane