I’m grateful for getting through my travels with sobriety and serenity. I’m grateful when meetings give me much food for thought afterwards. I’m grateful to be reminded that writing free form soon after any event, even for a few minutes, clears my mind and solidifies my takeaways. I’m grateful to rely on AA’s little catchphrases to get me through tough circumstances. I’m grateful for showing my parents the beautiful Rocky Mountains - even having the time to take them to the top of snow-capped peaks and seeing their child-like wonder. I’m grateful I can put aside my anger or disappointment and be of service. I’m grateful for the time I can spend with my parents as I know it’s not limitless. I’m grateful for the advice to lead with love.
At a meeting yesterday the person who lead chose a section from page 84 of the Big Book. It was about Step 10 and as soon as she read the words "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone", I was like "Aha! That has been a recurring theme these past few days".
If you read my post last week, I shared about going to a family funeral and then returning with my parents for a few days to show them my new life in Denver. I can't say I handled their visit perfectly, but I was pleased to have largely traversed it with grace and serenity.
I have stopped fighting them, along with other people in my life. And I have stopped fighting situations that make me uncomfortable. Removing vodka from the mix was a solid start. Since then it has been a journey of working the Steps, speaking with my sponsor, interacting with others alcoholics, and attending meetings to mitigate my combative tendencies.
Fighting was exhausting - even while drinking I knew this. As I was sprinting in slippers on the dirty streets of Astoria to the only liquor store still open in the monsoon-like rainstorm, I knew this was insane. At that time though the only semblance of peace I felt I could achieve was by purchasing that Tito's bottle so it could carry me through the quiet, lonely, night. Self-awareness of the situation was not enough to make me return home empty handed.
I now think about my mindset then and I am immensely grateful to no longer be there. I am not fighting the weather to find serenity. I am not arguing with my ex who isn't convinced I've gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house. I'm not fighting with my cousin who doesn't understand how deep my pain is, which is why my drinking habits are justified. Everything I am doing today to fix such behaviors is an inside job.
Presently I am sitting on my sofa in my cozy, warm home with my dog passed out by my side and finding contentment in this simple setting. Ruminating about how people have wronged me or why events aren't happening along my timeline are absent. When these toxic thinking patterns do arise, I slow my brain so I have the mental space to recall helpful AA-isms I've read or heard. Usually phrases around embracing Acceptance surface. When I embrace Acceptance of a person or situation I'm not letting Control - a primary character defect of mine that is rooted in Fear - take the reins. Going through this train of thought gets me right-sized pretty quickly.
Of course all of these mental gymnastics takes practice, it takes time. However the more I remember to do it, the easier it gets. Knowing that I'll be in a better place if I do these actions allows me to keep going with the flow even as life gets lifey. If this is my Higher Power's will, then it has to happen. I'm not going to fight it anymore.