I’m grateful for the chance to see my parents. I’m grateful for seeing everything in a different light. I’m grateful for seeing what can change and accepting what can’t. I’m grateful to be sober today.
Some sunsets are just prettier than others…
First, maybe I should apologize for the #not-so-Thanksgiving-ish1 photo, however it does capture one aspect of Thanksgiving.2 I’ve always loved Thanksgiving, think it’s probably my favorite holiday and since it’s inextricably intertwined with my birthday, it was lots of food + gifts for this Sagittarian. Kind of my personal Christmas.3 I also loved playing football on Thanksgiving Day. Now that I’m talking about that, I’ve got two really good Thanksgiving football stories about my Dad.
I was a young lawyer and we were a family of three living in a leafy DC suburb. My parents came to visit and I invited Dad to come play in the neighborhood Thanksgiving afternoon, friendly, touch-football game. Those words are highlighted for a reason. We were on defense and Dad was dropping back and covering another grandfather who was lined up wide. He runs a lazy out route and Dad just punishes him. Dad arrived just after the ball and even though it was pretty officially touch football, Dad just ran right through him. The ball squirted up and Dad somehow gathered it in and rumbled down the sideline. He almost scored. The Other Grandfather left the game, along with his son and grandsons, who gave me kind of a dirty look as they left.
Story #2: Everyone is in Iowa City for Thanksgiving and I have convened the official Thanksgiving Football Game. Near the conclusion, there is some collusion and it is determined that my youngest niece, six year-old Claire, who is set to return the kick-off, well, it’s highly likely she’s taking this straight to the rack. Claire gathers in the kick and we’re off, she’s got a convoy rumbling down the right sideline, I’m beginning to plot my role in the touchdown celebration,4 when out of nowhere, Dad comes flying on an angle and makes a diving attempt to tag Claire before she high-steps into the end zone. He narrowly misses her, but lands awkwardly and was immediately in pain. My brother, a doctor, quickly determines Dad has a fractured clavicle, he’ll be fine, but we’re headed to the hospital now. I was sitting with him while my brother had gone to fashion a makeshift sling, and I couldn’t help but say, “You deserved that.” He laughed and nodded.
That was part of his nature. Mild-mannered professor during the day, but don’t get between him and a loose ball. I’m kind of the same way, which is not very surprising. I don’t go out of my way looking for competition, but…
There are some challenging aspects to my relationship with my parents, there are some things where I think the trench lines have kind of been fixed since 1977 or so. Those things, while very frustrating at times, are not likely to change that much. That’s ok. It’s funny, there isn’t really too much textual analysis around the Serenity Prayer, and it’s the thing that gets said at roughly 100% of AA meetings:
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr, (1892-1971).
The first thing that hits you is that some stuff is not going to change. No matter how sober you get, no matter how hard you try, well, some things are just not going to change, or maybe they’ll even get worse. Second, note the phrase “the things I cannot change.” It seems self-evident when reading this that trying to change things that cannot change, well, what exactly is the point of that? Sisyphus did it because he had to, what was my excuse? The point was probably to generate resentments that made drinking seem like such an excellent solution. My brain is sneaky that way.
This very short prayer actually imposes a fair number of obligations on the Pray-er, which is probably appropriate. After working to accept the challenging things that cannot change, the even harder task of determining what can change comes next. Hint: A lot. Then, the big one:
Courage to change the things I can.
Courage, putting the heart at the center of life, is what creates the possibility of change. I don’t see “Courage” as a shield here, warding off arrows of misfortune, I see “Courage” as the tool, the condition, that makes change possible. When I’m guided by my heart, I can see what needs to change and, more importantly, I can see how it can change and what my part of that could be. Courage not only creates the possibility of change, it provides the means to effect it.
And then, “Wisdom to know the difference.” That seems straightforward and easy. Hahaha. You’re speaking with an OG alcoholic here and banging my head on doors that will never open is kind of a specialty. This part takes quite a bit of practice, too.
So, that’s what I’ve been thinking about as we head into Thanksgiving. Being ok with the things I need to be ok with, because there isn’t another choice. Living with courage, so that I can see what needs to change and be able to get after it. The reason this gets said at every AA meeting is because it kind of encapsulates the secret of sobriety. When prayed correctly, followed by appropriate action by the Pray-er, this formula produces serenity, and for this alcoholic, sobriety.
Thanks for Letting Me Share
I don’t want to get too far off-topic too quickly, however, that might be a funny tag to describe those photos that don’t necessarily reflect the true spirit of the holiday. Just saying. I have a history, I think of popularizing phrases. I believe I’m partly responsible for the resurgence of “Swanky,” can make a claim for first use on “Lather, rinse, Repeat,” in the Sisyphean sense, and be on the watch for: “Then you’d better have your shit in a can.”
I have so many terrible Thanksgiving travel stories.
On the flip side, birthday parties were difficult and I missed a lot of opportunities to pass out cupcakes in school.
Hopefully, you’re familiar with Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. None of my Junior High coaches were.