I’m grateful for the soft, pink light this morning. I’m grateful for a steady stream of meaning in my life. I’m grateful for a Sponsee’s excellent qualification. I’m grateful for newcomers. I’m grateful for the way things work out, when I let them. I’m grateful to be sober today.
Friday greetings from Sober HQ. There are many things to share with you. Number One, with a bullet, as they used to say, is Episode 22 of Breakfast with an Alcoholic. That’s right, it will be out later today and I’m very excited as it features a really talented writer, Paulina Pinsky:
This is a really great episode! Paulina shares about hitting rock bottom at a gas station in Alabama and we get to meet her drinking alter ego: Barfalina. You know me and my superstitions. I definitely believe that the number 2 is auspicious. My sobriety date is October 22 and it turns out Paulina’s is December 22 and this is Episode 22 in 2022? Don’t you feel like you kind of have to listen? Good. That’s the idea.
Last night was pretty groovy. One of my Sponsees, we’ll call him D for now, was qualifying at the Perry Street AA meeting last night. Perry Street is one of the venerable AA “clubhouses” that have been established here in NYC and lots of other cities. They are basically meeting spaces where there is a day and night-long calendar of AA Meetings and often a variety of other 12-Step meetings. The first one was established by none other than Bill W. The first AA clubhouse was the Artists and Illustrator’s Guild Building on West 24th Street and it represented a pretty significant milestone: AA had already outgrown its humble beginnings in the kitchens and living rooms of alcoholics.
One of the things I like about meetings at clubhouses is the diversity of the crowd and the prevalence of newcomers. D was qualifying there last night and he did an amazing job. I’ve known D for a while and we started working together almost six months ago, as he was coming off of a relapse. I’ll tell you that when I was first approached, I was reluctant to work with him. I know from experience (my own) that one of the fundamental problems with hard core relapsers is their (my) belief that they are smarter than everyone else. The fact that I had managed to keep drinking while everyone thought I was sober was, I thought, the pinnacle of proof of that proposition. D definitely thought he was smarter than everyone else and so it was game on.
In some of our earlier conversations, I found myself getting angry. After a bit, I came to understand that I wasn’t angry at D. I was angry at me. The “tough love” D was getting during our conversations was actually me talking to me. I’ve talked a little of my exploration of the mostly uncharted River Anger that runs through me and there are lots of tributaries— one of those is regret and bitterness. I turn 60 later this year and those kinds of birthdays always promote additional (often unwanted) introspection. I find myself getting angry for a lot of wasted years, a lot of “might-have-beens.” I can try to focus that anger on other people who were along for part of that ride, but, deep down, like the ultimate refrain of Margaritaville:1
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know, it’s my own damn fault.
Anyway, D began qualifying and he was so fantastically honest. In my opinion, humility and honesty are not about beating yourself up publicly, telling everyone what a shitty person you were. It’s about sharing even the worst parts of the story without affect or flinching, it’s about sharing with openness and vulnerability. That’s what D did last night and it was really inspiring. After the meeting, we were talking to two newcomers, both coming in with one day. They had both just heard D speak, they could sense what he had and they recognized they wanted it, too. And that’s how it works. I share my story with D, he shares his story at a meeting and two new people take another step inside.
Last night D texted me:
D: Thank you for coming tonight. Felt really good, and meant a lot that you were there.
Me: You were really great tonight.
Me: That qualification helped 100% of the people in the room.
And that is the truth. D stayed sober another day and so did I. Of course, that’s not a coincidence, that’s How it Works.
Thanks for Letting Me Share
I listened to it as I was writing this and it is kind of the ultimate paean to being an alcoholic. No wonder I loved it.
This was unexpectedly moving, Randall -- thank you. And wow, this line: "I’ve talked a little of my exploration of the mostly uncharted River Anger that runs through me and there are lots of tributaries..."
All the 22s are definitely pennies in the path!