I’m grateful for all of the second chances. I’m grateful for another cloudy day. I’m grateful for the sound of the tea kettle and the coffee grinder in my kitchen. I’m grateful for a really good cup of coffee. I’m grateful for all of the dogs. I’m grateful for pancakes at the diner. I’m grateful to be sober today.
These Monday holidays wreak havoc with me. I’m pretty sure I have a long-running, undiagnosed case of ADHD or something like that and it has gotten way more pronounced with time. It explains a lot, the same comments from every teacher, the maddening inability to stay focused and do the work they thought I was capable of. Of course, no one knew about stuff like that back then. I do think that my drinking was, in part, triggered by the hyperactivity in my brain. I just needed to slow things down and give myself a breather.
Anyway, the point is that I am going through this week without a very clear understanding of what day it is and this can complicate things from a schedule maintenance perspective. My Tuesday evening Big Book Study Group kind of snuck up on me and I’m going to admit that I was kind of crabby yesterday.1 We’re covering the end of Chapter Six and just started Chapter 7 last night—Steps 10-12. Anyway, Your Sponsor spiced things up with some reading from the 12 and 12 and I reacted to this:
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong, also…What about “justifiable” anger?…For us of AA these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 90
This is a similar message to the famous passage on page 417 of the Big Book (“And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today”). I got wound up about the part about leaving justifiable anger to others—and given the mood I was in yesterday, that made sense. I also agree that acceptance is the answer to my problems and that I am usually the problem. However, another aspect of my drinking was to dull my emotions and feelings and I react when someone tells me that I just need to not have my emotions.
I don’t think that’s actually what Bill W. was saying, just how I took it yesterday. As I reflected on things last night while watching old episodes of Hogan’s Heroes,2I began to think that the part that was missing for me was recognizing the feeling and understanding it before transferring to the “Things We Don’t Think About Anymore” part of my brain. Once I figured that out, I felt better and things made sense. My slight re-formulation of Bill W’s very correct insight, is that the critical part is not acting or re-acting out of justifiable anger, or any other strong negative emotion.3 That works for me. It's fine to have those feelings, probably unavoidable actually. I can understand those feelings of anger that wash over me and can see that there are good reasons for me to feel that way. The point is to find those good reasons and focus on resolving them, not letting the feeling of anger drive my actions.
When I act out of anger, my intention is usually to hurt, to get even, to let the other person know what it felt like to me. That can get pretty ugly, pretty quick and I’ve come to learn that it’s actually just poisoning me.4 Understanding and self-knowledge may not be enough to get or keep me sober, but those tools help me navigate my own very idiosyncratic minefield of difficult emotions. When I'm upset, it's not about stifling that emotion, it's about understanding why I'm being affected and what my part is in this. It's not about finding the right person to blame, it's about focusing on the part of the problem I can actually solve: Me.
Thanks for Letting Me Share
Yesterday’s Gratitude List did have a bit of a polemical feel. But seriously, only 7% of us even seek treatment???
So it turns out Bob Crane had some interesting hobbies, but “Colonel Hogan” is definitely one of my spirit guides. Also, I weirdly, channel Matthew McConaughey sometimes. “Alright, Alright, Alright.” I actually just said that on Twitter moments ago.
Actually, maybe some positive ones, too.
Your Sponsor said that exact thing to me last night, it just took me a bit longer to realize how right he was.