I’m grateful for an absolutely gorgeous morning. I’m grateful to wake up with peace in my heart. I’m grateful for being light-hearted and knowing that things will be ok. I’m grateful for an excellent cup of coffee. I’m grateful when things just work out. I’m grateful for a sense of excitement. I’m grateful to be sober today.
Happy Friday. Mine began around 4:30 this morning when I finally realized that the typical Law & Order sleep hypnosis wasn’t going to work. I would probably have to say that I’ve watched more Law & Order episodes than just about anything else. First, as a lawyer, it comes closer to getting the issues and the process right than most shows. Second, Jack McCoy is definitely the kind of lawyer I was and if you were to ask me who I think should play me in Breakfast with an Alcoholic: The Movie,1 it might be him.2 Third, Lenny Briscoe is a pretty accurate and compelling picture of an alcoholic and it was kind of a pioneer in having alcoholism and AA depicted throughout the show.3
Anyway, that’s how my day began and when I’d given up on sleeping, I padded into the kitchen and made coffee and as you can see, it was a pretty gorgeous sunrise. I have definitely been in a bit of a funk lately and can’t really put my finger on any particular why or reason, but this morning felt different. I sat there and drank coffee and wondered what I was going to be grateful for this morning. I just felt calm and happy, even a sense of excitement about some of the things on the To Do List.4 You can see what I listed, feeling peaceful and light-hearted, having a sense that things will work out the way they’re supposed to. I realized that what I was really grateful for, and what those words were attempting to describe, is just me. The me that is emerging in sobriety.
Like a lot of alcoholics and addicts, I was driven by a sense that I just wasn’t good enough. That people could never, would never appreciate me for who I was. I knew that because I didn’t really appreciate me for who I was. That nagging, poisonous self-dislike was at the bottom of every relationship and ultimately heavily implicated in the demise of those relationships. My views of myself were a big driver of my drinking and how firmly I held to those views was why it was so hard for me to stop.
I’m not sure what changed, but I feel light this morning and some of my usual optimism seems to be ebbing back. What did I do? Nothing. That’s just it, I finally realized, finally convinced myself that all I needed to be was me. Now, when things don’t seem right, the task is not figuring out who is to blame and what should be done to them. It's sitting quietly and waiting for things to resolve, for me to make sense of them, and then things get better. Things like that sound so annoyingly simple, and I’ve had some pretty murderous thoughts when people said things like that to me over the years. I don’t know why, but it made me think of this:
So Happy Friday! I will be quite busy and one of the things on my plate today is Episode 22 of Breakfast with an Alcoholic.5 You heard that right: Clear your calendar, clean that dried gunk off the top of the syrup bottle and get yourself ready because Episode 22 is coming like an avalanche down a mountain. Or something like that.
Thanks for Letting Me Share
Someday, someone will go through all of the Alcoholic Lightning Rounds and compile the cast of said move. FYI, the rights are still available.
Is it terrible to say a younger him? Or we could go with someone like Bill Murray, but, please, I would really prefer if we don’t go the Willem Dafoe route—plus, I’m sure he’s a great guy and everything, but he seems kind of psycho sometimes.
I’m guessing that there are some real alcoholics among the writers. You know I say things like “real alcoholics” lovingly.
I’m a really obsessed and obnoxious list maker. I have a list called “Lists to Make.” That is not a lie.
Did you catch that?
“Now, when things don’t seem right, the task is not figuring out who is to blame and what should be done to them. It's sitting quietly and waiting for things to resolve, for me to make sense of them, and then things get better.”
I freaking needed that this morning like you would not believe.
As you know, I’m delighted to be of service. Now go have a Happy Friday!