Getting the Question Right

I’m grateful for a gorgeous, sunny morning. I’m grateful for brisk weather. I’m grateful for hope and faith. I’m grateful for hanging on to the good parts. I’m grateful for what is. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Something’s up today. I can kind of feel it already. I woke up a little late, which means we get to this a little late.¹ Don’t worry, I have a topic already, but as I sat down, things just felt very different. There have always been days when I just felt, “hey, something’s up” and today feels like one of those days. Then I wrote down the date in my notebook and now my Spidey-senses are all atingle: It’s 9.27.23.

I’m not sure why, but I ascribe meaning sometimes to the numbers in the date. This has no basis in either science or really even in anecdote. I just sometimes get this idea that there has to be something special about today, look at the date. Now, there are obvious ones, like last year’s: 2.22.22 ² I think it’s worth noting when the date adds up, meaning the numbers can be made to equal each other with the addition of some mathematical operations. From my old pattern-solving days at the dinner table growing up, I’m immediately drawn to the 9 and 27 combination. 2 cubed is 8, 8 x9 =72, if you flip around the “27,” it becomes a “72.” But that’s a lot of rigmarole for not much reason. Also, it proves nothing.

I guess those kinds of machinations actually reflect a desire to answer the “why” question that runs around in my head quite a bit. It was never quite enough for things to just be the way they were. If today is going to be special, I would also like an understanding of why that will be the case. I tried to answer the question about why today might be special by re-arranging the numbers. I’m coming to believe that “why” might not be the right question.

Last night, at the Anyone Anywhere Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, we read “Because I’m an Alcoholic” from the back of the Big Book. Oh, if you were waiting for an engraved invitation, how about this:

One of the functions I discharge at this meeting is to say after we read each and every story, “wow, that was really a great story.” Last night was yet another great example of that. “Because I’m an Alcoholic” is a really engaging story of a woman’s journey to sobriety. As the story progresses, our protagonist is slowly realizing that the black-outs, the risky behavior, the “telephone bills [informing] me of late-night calls to distant places,” might be connected to her drinking.³

The story relates her efforts at therapy, and when she fearfully asks if being deemed an alcoholic will require her to stop drinking (that does seem extreme when first presented):

His answer was that we had to find out why I drank. I’d already tried but was never able to find out why until I learned the answer in AA—because I’m an alcoholic.

Big Book, p. 324

I’ve had a very similar experience with almost exactly those words. A friend collected me once from a barstool and was returning me to rehab. My moaning questions, “Why do I do this?” Why do I make everyone leave?” “Why can’t I stop?”, all had the same answer:

Because you’re an alcoholic.

My Funny Rehab Valentine

Not to say that’s an excuse or the end of the conversation. It just happens to be true. I spent a lot of time and a lot of money trying to answer the “why” question, as well. I somehow thought that if I understood better, that would help me find the off-switch. Of course, since my attempts at sobriety were largely self-directed, I had not yet been taught Bill W’s admonition about self-knowledge being insufficient to produce or sustain sobriety.

I did a lot of research on addiction, I downloaded my actual genome from 23 & Me and sent it to some outfit that matched all of my genetic variations to research showing the potential impacts on me connected to addiction and alcoholism,⁴ but when I look back, I’m not sure what the effort or my research was really directed at. I think I was just very eager to tell everyone to settle down, this just wasn’t my fault and I’m not sure how much I’m going to be able to do about it.

In retrospect, I think I was trying to justify my alcoholism. I see pretty plainly that this did not advance my sobriety nor aid in any particular treatment. In those days, once I came up with a plausible “why,” I think I was actually stamping the plan for the next relapse with a great big rubber stamp:

APPROVED

The powerful part of last night’s story is when our alcoholic heroine realizes at her second AA meeting that she’s been asking the wrong question, and of course getting the wrong answer:

While still up at the podium, it hit me—this is what I’d been looking for all my life. This was the answer, right here in front of me. Indescribable relief came over me. I knew the fight was over.

Big Book, p. 326

Her previous line of questions had produced the wrong answer:

I remembered the afternoon in the bathroom stall at college…when I was so certain I had found the answer in alcohol. I could clearly see now that had been a lie…And I chased that lie for a long time—even when it was obvious that I was going nowhere and was killing myself while doing it. At that AA meeting, when I looked out over those faces, I finally saw the truth.

Id.

Answering the “why” questions had value for me, it helped me understand the person who first became an alcoholic. Why is this important?⁵ I think sobriety and recovery are a little like a time-machine: Capable of transporting you to the person you once were, the person who got lost way back then. I have spent a lot of time trying to suss out the operational details of time travel in pursuit of a completely quixotic goal, (which are the best kinds of goals fyi), and a big part of it is making sure you’re intercepting the right target at the right time. The “why” questions help me get a good fix on the target.

But answering the “why” questions didn’t get me sober. It was actually asking the converse:

Why Not?

I think “why not” is the question-based form of “willingness.” Could there be a higher power, actually capable of restoring me to sanity? Why not? Should I turn my life and will over to said power? Why not? Could I stay sober if I had that kind of help? Why not? Could I share that and help someone else get sober? Why not?

I’m not trying to demean “why” too much. In the story we read last night, the door opened when she finally got the answer to the “why” question right. Because she was an alcoholic. That was exactly the same for me. When I got sober it was because I finally started asking the important question:

Why Not?

1. The intervening steps mostly involve coffee and the amount of time that takes is the amount of time it takes. Meaning, it’s not something we can rush.

2. Although that turned out to not be a great day, when I think back. The “2” in the footnote is a nice addition.

3. She refers to being a drunk in the 1950’s, and you think “drunk dialing” didn’t exist before cellphones?

4. I make light of this a bit, but it’s insane to see some of the research around genetic variations in dopamine receptors and how they seem to be connected to higher incidences of addiction.

5. Is that funny?