Hello my friends!
Welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition :)
Have you guys ever seen the movie Land of the Lost? Different kind of intro from me, I know, but I have a point I promise. If you haven’t seen it, Will Ferrell basically goes on this wildly hilarious adventure to the Land of the Lost…Dino’s, Sleestaks, 10/10, definitely recommend.
But my point for today is not about dinosaurs or to explain to you what Sleestaks are…it’s to talk to you guys about what I am now calling the “Land of Delusion”.
Perhaps many of you are already in the land of delusion and the rest of you are thinking…what in the literal fuck is she talking about.
To elaborate, I’ve been going through one of those moments in life that feels very earth shattering, very catastrophic and how on God’s green earth am I going to get through this. While I’m moving through this moment in time, I’m slowly realizing that no matter what happens or what is currently happening, my Higher Power is guiding me. Everything will be both okay and exactly as it was always meant to be.
A perfect example of this is something that happened just before I sat down to start writing. I was burning some Palo Santo wood, praying and doing a few healing chants (your girl needs all the healing chants she can get, don't hesitate to comment recommendations please!). In my prayer book I stumbled upon Footprints which talks about a man dreaming of God and two sets of footprints in his life. One for him and one for God and whenever there was one set of footprints (typically during the low and hard times in his life) it wasn’t because God had left him, it was because God was carrying him.
I felt compelled to share this with my mom so I texted her a picture and she proceeded to send me back a picture of the exact same passage that my grandfather had hanging up in his home before he died. So you know, I was completely unaware of that sign in his home and that particular passage right up until then.
It’s those little things (y'all already know I’m big on the little things) that mean so much to me. To me, that was my peepa saying, I’m right here. Even when you can't hear me, can’t clearly see me, even when you just aren’t listening to me, I am right here for you every step of the way.
And if you feel alone, like there’s only one set of footprints right now, I’m here carrying you.
And therefore, I’ve entered the land of delusion! Because to people who don’t get it, I definitely sound a little insane. But hopefully all of you now understand where I was going with the whole Land of the Lost intro. This sometimes feels unreal, but it is definitely calmer here in this land.
This kind of delusion, this faith as I should probably call it, is significantly better than the delusions alcohol creates.. A perfect example of this, I think, is the wonderful Daniel from Episode 24 of Breakfast with an Alcoholic. Without giving too much away (not-so -subtle reminder to listen to the episode ;)) 1our very own Randall is Daniel’s sponsor and the two of them discuss just exactly how much sober time Daniel really had before (he’s got about six months under his belt now!!). While Daniel had previously thought he had around 9 months at one point before a relapse, they eventually determined that in reality it was somewhere around 60 days. I have known Daniel myself since I was counting days and he truly is such a wonderful and kind person. But I think his true sober timeline is such a powerful representation of how alcohol just distorts everything…delusion one might say….
I won’t flood you with personal examples of my delusion when I was drinking. But I will reconnect to how much of a different experience it is in sobriety. For me it’s still scary as fuck sometimes and I still have a compulsive need to control everything even though I know that no matter what I do it’s just going to end up exactly the way it’s supposed to anyway.
I’m still full of fear, I look to other people to validate the way I’m feeling and sometimes, I’m just not listening to my Peepa. But I’m learning that Step Two - entering the land of delusion (faith) - is a process, not an event. And my intention is so not to offend when I call it delusion,2 it’s just so wild to me how scary and fucked up things (life) can be, but at the end of the day there’s just so much comfort in knowing that when I pull apart all of the things in my head, look outside of my self and really lean on my Higher Power, it will just so simply be okay.
There will always be at least one set of footprints, either God carrying me or God walking right alongside me.
So to bring this all home, I hope you all don’t think I’m nuts and that we are all comfortable in this happy little land.
With so much love always,
Jane
Editors Note: Step Two is “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Thank you always for reading and I hope you enjoyed 💛 always here if anyone ever needs!!
Sending you so much love Jane!!! I always get signs from heaven when it’s my hardest times, and I’ve definitely been in the land of delusion before...
Hope you’re doing okay❤️