Precisely How We Have Recovered
I’m grateful for a gorgeous sunrise. I’m grateful for basketball in the park. I’m grateful for mornings with my coffee. I’m grateful for what gets revealed every day. I’m grateful to be sober today.
I really hate a lot of the recovery-based slogans. I’m cool with the old school ones you see in meetings, “Easy Does It,” or the upside-down “THINK.” But the ones that get thrown around on social media, sometimes even forming the teaching in rehab settings, either convey incomplete messages or somehow contain implicit judgments. I used to hear the line a lot about how the longest distance in the world is the 18 inches between the brain and the heart. If I could just stop all that thinking, well, then things would be great. Cool, I was hoping someone might be able to give me some details on how to do this “stop thinking” thing?
I think my real objection to a lot of the sayings is that there is a nugget at the bottom that says, “you could fix this if you really wanted to.” Of course, part of that is true, but the problem is in the operationalizing part.1 Instructions like “let it go,” “don’t think about that so much,” or the aforementioned, “stop thinking,” well, I found those pretty much impossible to do. I’d been aware of this problem, the brain spinning all the time, preventing things like sleep, from the age of seven or eight on. It was part of the reason I began drinking, alcohol worked to stop the wheel spinning so much, or at least muffled the noise.
Another one of the sayings is the one is about addiction being a disease of connection. Also, this is true at the bottom, but it leaves the question “to what," unposed and unanswered. My problem certainly manifested itself in isolation from others; that is a pernicious symptom of addiction that feeds the downward spiral, but I think it’s a symptom. The real disconnect is with ourselves.
When I finally got sober it was partly because I began treating it like a project that I was actually going to try and accomplish. Meaning that there were lists and workplans and a system to track things. I put four decades into drinking. I spent a ton of time figuring out exactly how I was going to get away with it and even more time concealing the consequences. I’m a planner. At some point, it occurred to me that I was going to have to get out the same way.
I’ll tell you exactly when I came to that realization. I was having a discussion with an addiction counselor in the Summer of 2020, right before I moved to NY. He and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on much, and I’d been getting a lot of lectures on that 18-inch thing. He was frustrated with me, too, and said, pretty sharply, “you may just be one of those poor unfortunates, your thinking is what got you here and you can’t think your way out of this.”2 I knew right then,
I’m going to have to think my way out of this.
I think (no pun intended), I believe, that’s exactly what working the Steps accomplishes. As I work the steps with sponsees and sponsors, I see more clearly that we addicts and alcoholics have these thinking patterns in common, and these common thinking patterns aren’t really great and tend to drive us to drink and use. The chain of causation doesn’t end there, lots and lots of people have those same negative thinking patterns, addicts and alcoholics aren’t the only ones who struggle with insecurities and fear and anger. But what singled us out and made us alcoholics and addicts? It’s simple:
That stuff worked for us.
Not everyone can pull off being an alcoholic, it requires some dedication and some physical talent, I mean, you’re going to need to be able to drink a lot for one. If you want to keep it going for a while, you’re going to need to be able to drink a lot without getting too sloppy. If you can only manage one glass of wine before nodding off to sleep, I’m sorry, I just don’t think you have a career as an alcoholic in front of you.3
I think one of the real problems in the treatment of addiction is that the instructions are way too vague. Most of the time when medical science approaches a problem they generate a lot of very specific instructions and also warnings and things to avoid. We know this because of the 20 second long list of consequences that get attached to things medical science tries to treat seriously. The messages and teachings in recovery are often more rooted in the aspirational slogans than practical, actionable advice.
I also think that in large treatment settings, there is so much sensitivity to the perceived religious nature of AA that it’s discussed just as something you might consider. I think what ends up being taught in most recovery settings is too focused on the symptoms of addiction and probably falls into the category of “self-knowledge,” which is an ironic thing for 12-Step based treatment programs to promote as a potential treatment for addiction. Because when you read the first sixteen pages of the Big Book, it’s hard not to conclude that self-knowledge is not a very effective treatment for alcoholism.
And we won’t get into the “success metrics” around treatment. They’re pretty abysmal. So abysmal that some large, well-known treatment centers don’t even try to publish any of their own statistics, they dedicate that page on their website to explain why you shouldn’t believe the hyped-up successes claimed by the shady fly-by-night places. Think about the messaging there for a minute.
Don’t get me wrong, therapy and rehab were critical components of my recovery; I wouldn’t be where I am without them. I’m just saying, I did those things for a long time and they didn’t work by themselves for me. That changed when I added working the steps to the mix. And I mean working the steps, having and executing a plan. Also, before you get out the project management templates (actually a cool idea!), there is no completion date on this project. Think of Sisyphus, except that he/she is weirdly happy now.4
Now for the digression. In Junior High, my friend Mark and I decided that we were going to build a tank. We spent quite a bit of time, and we were in Junior High, so we had nothing but time, on designing this bad boy. We were going to rely on the go-cart technology my grandfather has shown me: a lawnmower engine attached directly to the rear axle. Differential? Clutch? We were 13. It would have plywood-painted “armor. ” As for weaponry, our design was informed by nights of using a “bottle-rocket mortar.” Light the bottle rocket, drop it into the pvc tube we found at the dump. Ignition, launch and hopefully an explosion right over Keith’s backyard. Our plan for the tank was to launch explosive-laden Estes model rockets out of the “cannon.”5
These days, Mark and I might well have been detained and perhaps received the balance of our education in alternative settings. However, we weren’t ever going to actually build a tank. We lacked the funds, the real desire and we knew that as soon as something like this began to take shape in someone’s garage, the project would end pretty forthwithly.6
The point was, we wanted to understand how we could do it. Knowing we could do it was more than powerful enough for a couple of 8th-graders. Knowing we could do it, meant that the decision to pursue it or not came down to our choice. That’s real power. The hardest part of recovery is making that choice—and it is a choice that has to be made. That’s how we come in, that’s how we ask for help and that’s how we get started. But the harder choice is down the road, and it involves committing to a new life, and it can’t really be made until one has constructed at least the outline of that choice, of that new life. That’s what the Steps do.
I wrote about this idea last week, the initial set of beliefs in recovery have to yield to a larger, more comprehensive, frankly harder set of beliefs in order to maintain recovery. That’s the command of the Big Book, recovery depends on widening and deepening that critical spiritual component. Faith without works is dead.7 To me, that finally meant, you actually have to do this stuff. I don’t think believing in the Big Book or the program is enough; I don’t think believing in a higher power is enough, I think you actually have to roll-up the sleeves and figure out how you’re actually going to change your life.
For me, that meant a lot more than simply setting aside an hour a day to go to a meeting. I had to figure out how to actually re-orient my life; more practically, how to alter those negative thinking patterns that dominated my brain. Weirdly, I think that Bill W and the early alcoholics stumbled upon a process that somehow actually works to change those thinking patterns. People think AA is a religious cult with the central belief being that we think that sobriety is granted by a magical higher power as long as we recite the same mindless slogans.8 It’s not. It comes from answering a set of non-denominational questions about who you are, what you believe, what are the things you fear the most? What are the things you’d like to change? What are the mistakes you made and why did you make them?
This is super practical stuff and it works. Here’s the prediction of this non-doctor: There will be a day when people realize that the 12-Steps are a set of prompts that work to change thinking patterns in pretty much the same way that CBT/DBT works. The 12-Steps are just specialized prompts that have proven especially successful in treating alcoholics and addicts.
Here’s a slogan I like, “It works, if you work it.” So that’s what is coming next here; We’re going to start exploring sobriety and recovery from a more operational perspective. That sounds like horrible drudgery, but I think it will be fun and will also maybe keep me from rambling so much.
Anyway, I think there is not enough of a focus on the 12-Steps, actually working them, in recovery. That’s the motivation behind the Field Sobriety Guides, (btw, No. 2, which is going to be a gratitude journal, is in the works!)
But, I’ve also put together an outline, a syllabus actually, for an 8-Week course on the Big Book and the Twelve Steps. I’m eventually hopeful that I’ll be able to offer this in connection with some partners, but for now, I would love to find people who would be interested in trying this out with me. Oh, here’s the outline and the first session:
An Introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book and the Twelve Steps.
Course Overview:
This 8-week course is designed to introduce the basic principles of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA),as outlined in the Big Book and the Twelve Steps. Through readings, discussions, and writing exercises, students will gain a deeper understanding of the history, philosophy, and practical applications of the AA program. This course is designed for anyone who has struggled with drugs and alcohol, who wonders if their life could be better, or perhaps has a loved one who is suffering and wonders about what to do. At the end of this course, students will have a thorough understanding of the nature of addiction, how AA and the Big Book and other resources can aid recovery and how to make their own beginnings on the path to recovery.
Session 1: Introduction to AA and the Big Book
Reading: The “Forewords” (BB, pp.xiii-xxiv); “The Doctor's Opinion” (BB, pp. xxv-xxxii); "Bill's Story” (BB, pp. 1-16); “AA Traditions” (BB, pp. 562-63); “The Twelve Traditions” (12&12, pp. 129-189).
Overview of AA and its history
Introduction to the Big Book
Understanding alcoholism as a disease
The physical, mental, and spiritual dimensions of
alcoholism
Discussion Prompts:
What stood out to you in the readings?
What questions do you have about AA or the Big
Book?
How is your story like “Bill’s Story?”
How do you understand alcoholism as a disease?
What are the implications of this understanding
for recovery?
Assignment: Write your story in the style of “Bill’s Story.” (Max 2500 words)
If you’re interested, the whole outline is here:
It would consist of a one-hour zoom session per week for 8-weeks. I would probably cap the number of participants and, of course, this would be free. If it works, well, that could change, but this one is free, likely to be fun, and I’d love to have you along! Email me: ThanksFLMS@gmail.com for details
I don't know if I’ve mentioned this, but now that’s October, I raise my hand at meetings and acknowledge that I, in fact, do have an anniversary in the month of October. Every year has been different in recovery so far, and there’s a lot of distance between now and the 22nd, so who knows what I’ll be thinking by then. But I realize the thing that helps me most in my sobriety is remembering exactly how I got here.
So, that’s what I’m going to do here to celebrate my fourth year of sobriety, I’m going to try and share exactly how this worked for me, because it’s when I figured that out, that’s when things changed. That’s when I was finally able to change the way I think and that’s when I finally got sober.
Is operationalize a word? It is now? See also, “agreeance,” and “strategery,” I didn’t make that last one up, but have adopted it as my own.
I thought this was significant enough to record in my journal.
Of course this is a good thing. I’m being sarcastic.
What if Sisyphus liked pushing boulders up hills? I’ll be he was in great shape.
This is not too far from how modern ATGM systems work on armored vehicles.
Also, maybe not a word.
I think that was stolen from Luther’s Catechism.
To be fair, why do they get this idea?
I can identify - I had a thinking problem, and drinking quieted it a bit, until it almost killed me. And I highly recommend the 12&12, it’s such a compliment to the Big Book, until I made weekly Step meetings and the 12&12 part of my recovery I didn’t quite get it!
Love your posts!