I’m grateful for a Friday morning. I’m grateful for the thump of the newspaper at the door. I’m grateful for the cold weather. I’m grateful for what is. I’m grateful to be sober today.
song of the week:
A lot of the time, when I’m digging around looking for a video version of the sotw, I’m reminded that in the olden days, people didn’t really make videos, even concert videos. ReFlex did two video versions of this song—this is the better one.1 And you might be surprised at how seamlessly the various plot elements come together. I can kind of make sense of the clandestine media overthrow part, and the concert footage and the guys on roller skates and the one woman on the pillar dancing, but wtf is up with the one guy dancing by himself between the pillars? This was a weird trend in 1980’s music videos, the one lone guy dancing very defiantly aloe. I think it can be traced directly to the influences of Adam Ant.
In no way do I want you to come to the conclusion that any Adam Ant song could even be considered for the sotw. I am very definitely not a fan and the prospect that he is touring in these modern times is somewhat horrifying (this is what YouTube tells me). I just wanted to make note of his malign influence on an otherwise great song. The politicians are now dj’s, kind of true although I’m not 100% sure what it means.
Is there a connection between this song and the Third Step or the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous? No, not that I’m aware of. It is a pretty catchy song for a chilly Friday morning. Beware denizens of 86th Street, I will definitely be moving fast this morning.2
To recap, we are tossing off quick answers to some questions in order that we may more closely approach the abyss and total eclipse of the heart that is the Fourth Step.3 For your convenience, those questions, which have appeared in a previous edition of TFLMS, are set forth below:
What does “our will and our lives” mean? How are those two things different? How are they connected?
What does “turn[ing] over” stuff mean? Is that a real thing or something we just say? How do you actually do it? How will you know if it’s working?
Where do you stop and where does God (your Higher Power) begin?
What is your understanding of your Higher Power? How will you communicate with said Higher Power in connection with the “turning over” stuff?
Is this a one-time thing?
Well, the good news is that only the last one needs to be answered definitively at this time. And that answer is “no.” The wording of the Third Step, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God,” maybe (but incorrectly) suggests that this is a “card laid, card played” kind of decision. As in, “yesterday while I was on the subway, I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God.” Third Step complete. Check.
How can that be? The fundamental issue for alcoholics and addicts is the self-obsession and the ego and the self-ish way we view ourselves as directing the way the world spins. A quick note: I don’t mean selfish in the “greedy,” or acquisitive sense, (e.g., “you ate all of the miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the freezer?”). I mean it as a way of looking at and being in the world that views everything from one’s own perspective.
One of the erroneous beliefs that I held was that I had an ability control things that were actually outside my control. For example, I couldn’t control how other people felt, I couldn’t control how other people lived their own lives, I couldn’t control what life had in store for me. The resentments, fear and shame generated by my inability to control the world around me made me very thirsty.
Self-ish, is to me, simply a self-referential way of living. The consequence of these vestiges of my alcoholism is that I must frequently battle against episodic outbreaks of the control fantasy. Fortunately, there is a step for that. The Third Step, wherein I am reminded, as often as necessary, that I am turning over my will and my life to the care of my Higher Power. In my case, that’s some funky version of a very hard-to-figure out Big Guy and this gigantic universe that literally seems to have a life of it’s own.
Which also means that once I’ve turned those things over, it’s not necessarily like a car wash where I can walk along and observe my car getting cleaned. When I turn things over, I am engaged in a radical act of self-acceptance and being present. When I have the courage to turn over the things that I am not capable of doing, and focus my efforts on what I can change, well, that’s how this alcoholic got sober. Also, isn’t that accidentally but exactly the point of the Serenity Prayer? I think the Serenity Prayer is titled like a recipe, by the way. If one follows the directions, one will get a chocolate cake, or whatever the title of the recipe is.
If the idea of “turning over” one’s life and will sounds a bit dramatic, it can be re-phrased in terms of acceptance and being present. Those are both acknowledgements that we live in the now, right here and right now. The moments before are tough to control, the moments to come after are not only uncontrollable, but also un-knowable.
I make the decision to turn things over a lot in the course of a week, in the course of a day, even. It’s a frightening feeling, and, at first, I found myself hoping that it was a trust-fall, not a free-fall. The important thing I learned: When I practiced acceptance and kindness to myself, I had exactly enough to live every moment I was faced with. The way this ties up is like this: the core falsehood at the bottom of my drinking was that I was not enough. The Third Step, when practiced assiduously, takes direct aim at this self-lie and teaches that I am enough for every moment I face.
So, I have that going for me. The other consequence of smashing that lie is that it leaves me free to be happy. And that’s a pretty good thing heading into the three-day celebration of the presidents.
Happy Friday.
Of course.
Yes, I even go to the office on Fridays, sometimes Saturday, too.
Also, will never be considered for sotw.
"When I practiced acceptance and kindness to myself, I had exactly enough to live every moment I was faced with." Thank you.