Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition :)
October 13, 2022
Hello my friends!
Welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition :)
If you’d like to read this on the website or you can listen, too: Sober Girls 10.13
Do you guys ever feel like a duck?
It’s starting to give me a large amount of pleasure intro’ing with these really obscure lines and then bringing it all home later… I hope it gives you joy, too and there’s always a point, I promise ;)
One time when I was around 6 or 7, my family and I were in Disney. This group of older boys were chasing the Disney ducks around which led one to fly right into my head. Been kinda nervous around ducks since then I’m not going to lie…
But on to the real point - I was at a meeting a few days ago where this wonderful woman spoke about how when she was drinking it was so important to her how she looked on the outside. Good grades in school, stable job after the whole nine. But in reality she felt like a duck when they were swimming, it looked like smooth sailing on the surface, in reality their feet were just paddling so fast under the water.
Which got me thinking about two things, images and ducks. Well, not really ducks but more about that’s how I feel in sobriety. Like, to everyone else, I’m just smoothly sailing, in reality my little feet are paddling so hard under the water. I feel like I’m stumbling through sobriety sometimes and I’m just so tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m guiding myself too much and really need help. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, where I’m going or even what’s happening sometimes. But I do know that I’m not drinking. And that’s all that really matters right? That I’m hitting the pillow every night sober.
In terms of images, I was previously while drinking, and still am now a little, super serious about images. When I was drinking, it mattered to me that I finished school a semester early with a three point something GPA. And that I had a job right out of college and I was paying my own rent, living completely independently. Even now as per the above, it means something to me that it looks like my sobriety journey has been smooth when the truth is, it’s been really fucking hard.
But as time goes on I think I’m starting to realize that those images I cultivated meant and mean nothing to me. I’m a drunk who sold my soul to corporate America and I’m not happy. My good grades and my good job were just to cover up my alcoholism. Me not leaving my job is pure fear and a little bit of lack of trust in my higher power.
What I can tell you is that AA meetings make me happy. Here are some other things:
Helping other people. Watching the light turn on in a newcomer when they are starting to get it. Hearing someone celebrate 90 days. A phone call from my dad. A text from my sister. The smell of sage. The birds in the morning. That first sip of coffee. A good song that I can burst out singing too. Moments of silence. Moments of growth. Moments of love and understanding. Watching other people smile and laugh. Being there for other people when they need a shoulder.
All of those things and so many more I realized made me happy in sobriety. And I wouldn’t sacrifice that for anything. I definitely don’t want to feel like a duck anymore, or stuck or stagnant. But the good thing is that I know what the solution is.
Some things have to change, I have to switch up my program. Change is really hard and really scary but I want to be better. I want to stay sober for a long long time, I want to find peace and serenity and happiness and the only way I can do that is by embracing change and moving forward. I have to fly a little..like the ducks. Just not into a little girl's head :)
Overall, I’m hopeful that I’ll get to that place of not paddling my little feet so fast. And I’ll care less and less about images. And just so everyone knows, if anyone ever said to me “I’m struggling with my image or what people might think about me” I’d say:
“F*** that! Be exactly who you want to be, who you were meant to be and don't apologize to anyone for it!”
So if you’re struggling like me - just be you and the rest will fall into place. And in the meantime, I’ll try to take my own advice, too.
Sending you all so much love always,
Jane
Thank you guys always for reading 💛 always here if anyone needs!!
Early recovery is difficult. One person told me it was like wearing a new pair of boots and they felt so awkward, heavy and tight but when they got them broken in and we're used to them they really felt good.
I noticed that the first thing you mentioned is making you happy already included the word " other." That word showed up again and again sometimes just implied like when you use the word "someone"² and I'm sure when your father or sister communicated with you part of your happiness was knowing that they were happy for you and for themselves when they didn't have to worry about Jane like they used to
The comic Gallagher said "you can't have everything! Where would you put it?" When your goal is to have a lot of stuff like money or prestige there's never enough. Kind of like alcohol.
But when you find happiness in the accomplishments of other people there's always another one available for you to help, even when it's just by going to meetings.
The first meeting I went to out of treatment was in the morning and the only ones there were two women. One of them was troubled by her life stressors and the other and I just provided encouragement and comfort and I walked of there on the cloud because it felt so good to see that woman smile after she came in crying. I don't recall that we said anything profound it's just being there and and supportive was what she needed and that made me happy.
My sponsor said that life was just not thrilling for him unless he was doing something crazy like drunk and driving fast. But after he's sobered up he realized that when he saw someone get it it made the hair on the back of his neck staff stand up and everyone who knew him said they really appreciated that when he was talking to them he was totally focused on what they were saying. That to me is true happiness.
The fact is that humans are group oriented animals and we'd have never survived if we were selfish.
Alcohol just makes us feel closer to each other as in that old commercial "I love you, man"but you don't really feel what the other person's feeling because it's all about feeling good yourself and that winds up like a dog chasing his tail.
If I could type instead of talking to text I would say more but I had to go to the ER last Thursday and wound up in the Heart Hospital and had a stroke that left my vision impaired on the left side and blurry on the right side. So reading and writing are difficult and I'm just dictating this into a keep note which is still awkward but better than typing right now.
If you keep on doing the next right thing one day you'll look around and realize that all those fond memories of the old days are false memories and that you really felt like you were dancing a ballet in engineer boots.
So when you feel like you're paddling too fast and not sure where you're going then pull your flippers on and swim to a meeting.