I’m grateful for a quiet morning and a chance to think. I’m grateful for seeing how much didn’t matter and grateful to be able to focus on what does. I’m grateful to see how empty things were. I’m grateful to be sober today.
There is literally a ton of stuff cooking here at Sober HQ! If you read Jane’s diary this week….that sounds funny, I should tell you that she’s ok with people reading it:
Diary of a Sober Girl
Anyway, if you read Jane’s diary this week, she repeatedly referred to what were supposed to be top secret strategy sessions at Sober HQ. And since the cat is part of the way out of the bag, and given the difficulty of putting cats back in the bag, I’m just going to tell you the news:1 We’re going to be launching an actual website very soon. We’ll still be doing this here on Substack and on Twitter and Instagram, but this will be a bigger and better mousetrap and we’re very excited about all of the opportunities we think this will create.
The premise is this: We got sober and it’s pretty groovy and we want to share how we did it with you.
For us, recovery has been about re-discovering the people we were meant to be and the lives we were meant to lead. Finding our authentic selves and sharing our journey, our realizations, defeats and tiny successes, has been what got us sober and what helps keep us sober every day. When you get diagnosed with most life-changing diseases, there is some small comfort in the way the team gets organized, appointments and tests are scheduled, there is a prognosis, a plan, statistics to help decide on the right treatment, loads of resources on the effectiveness of different protocols, even rankings of which hospitals or doctors are best. The path may be unbelievably difficult, but at least there is one and people to help illuminate it.
Addiction and recovery are completely different. The “diagnosis” usually comes as part of some catastrophe and is often expressed, “I can’t live this way any longer.” Then what? The treatment centers all have beautiful websites, and sometimes they even throw around statistics that say things like there is a 90% recovery rate in the first 90 days.2 But on the same page they tell you that they’re way better than the competition, because they only have to re-admit 5% (as opposed to an average of nearly 10%) of their patients within 30 days and only 10% come back within 90 days?3 And what happens after 90 days…..To me, the saddest and most important statistic is that only about 7% of the people who think they have a problem will ever even seek treatment. That's a really, really sad statistic.
What I learned in my stints in rehab was invaluable, but as the Big Book says over and over, self-knowledge, which is the principal product offering of treatment centers and therapy, is usually not enough to keep us sober. Real, long-term sobriety, as opposed to the short-term cessation of drinking, typically requires a spiritual awakening. While that can and does happen in treatment, I see it more commonly occur as a consequence of developing a program, studying the Big Book, working the steps and, most importantly, finding ways to continually broaden and deepen one’s spiritual life.
We have found that in sharing our stories with you.
I didn’t start writing gratitude lists because I thought it would be a service to humanity. I was told to start writing gratitude lists because I was an angry, still-resentful alcoholic with a river of rage that was still generating a thirst for a taste of Sauvignon Blanc; it was an effort to tame me. But I’ve found unbelievable meaning in being able to share my story with you. Sometimes you folks say really, really nice things, and you have no idea how much that means to me—but the secret is that you are actually the ones helping me to stay sober.
Anyway, the day you realize you or your loved one is an alcoholic or an addict, and that things can’t continue to go the way they have, is a pretty shitty day. There’s not a lot of information out there about what to do next, what works, where to go, how long will it take, who to trust. AA is kind of a black box, too, with tons of misconceptions about its status as a religious cult presided over by angry, my-way-or-the-highway people. There is the idea that AA is not relatable because the teachings are from the mouths of entitled white men who lived 75 years ago, or that meetings are scary and unapproachable. Families have no idea what their role is supposed to be; detach with love, step away and make sure the alcoholic hits bottom hard enough to get them to treatment? That’s pretty tough stuff, and not always an option for people you love.4
We know what made a difference in our lives and we really want to share that with you.
We know that this is a tremendously difficult journey and it often begins amid a tableau of complete emotional devastation and tumult. We know that sobriety and recovery can be lonely and frightening and that it’s very easy to just give in to that voice that is always urging you to forget all of this nonsense and hard work and just let’s get back to what we know will work to get all of these troubling thoughts out of our heads. We want to provide you with a source of hope and inspiration in those moments. Our plan is to feature writing about recovery and addiction from a whole variety of perspectives, maybe one of those stories will contain the nugget someone needs. And here’s the newsflash, not all of those perspectives are about AA. We recognize that there are lots of paths to recovery, we know how we did it, but we mostly want to be along for your journey back to yourself, however you decide to get there.
We know there is a lot of stigma around addiction and particularly the word, “alcoholic.” We hope we can help do our part to de-stigmatize this, help people realize there are a lot of us. That we aren’t terrible, amoral, soulless monsters—but real people; moms, dads, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands who get dealt this shitty disease card, through no fault of their own, and who have no choice but to play out the hand and try to reclaim their lives.
We’ve been working with some really talented people and I get pretty excited about some of the ideas that we’re kicking around:
And, we will be re-launching the podcast this week!5 The next episode of Breakfast with an Alcoholic will be out next weekend and features John West, the author of this amazing book:6
We will also be launching online Big Book Study Groups, creating and sharing study guides, writing prompts and worksheets to help people do the work outlined in the Big Book and the Steps. We’re even going to launch our own AA meeting (Tuesday nights on Zoom at 7pm est)7. One of the things I think is really important is de-mystifying AA, it’s the program that saved (more correct to say “saves?”) my life, but it’s kind of aloof and forbidding to the uninitiated and we’d like to change that.
The only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking, and this will be an “open” meeting, meaning that you don’t have to be an alcoholic or even think you might be one, to attend. There is undeniable magic to be found at AA meetings and we think the more people who see what actually happens at meetings and can listen to the things people are sharing, well, how could that be a bad thing? We think giving people who love alcoholics the chance to see what meetings are about is really, really important. We know that a lot of you, our dearly beloved readers, aren’t alcoholics or addicts and we want to let you into the tent, too. If you’re going along for the ride anyway, you might as well get some ideas about where you’re headed.
So, that’s what we’re up to. As always, crazily talented people showed up at just the right time and are helping us out.8 I think what we are hoping to build is really exciting. We realize the power of sharing stories, the beauty of developing lives based on gratitude and service and the magic of seeing other people recover the lives they were meant to lead. One of the brand formulations I think is really powerful is this:
We are creating a place for alcoholics, addicts and the people who love them to recover together.
We want to show you how we found the path back to our lives and how we manage to stay sober day after day. We know the path back to your life has to be your own. We just thought that if you wanted some company….
Thanks for Letting Me Share
Someday, perhaps I will tell the story of the punishment I received for making a joke during the disco dancing unit in PE class in 1977—the joke involved squirrels fighting in a burlap bag and an analogy to a certain pair of brown polyester pants being worn by one of the PE teachers.
My treatment center has my email address and they send me lots of promotional materials, but they have never, ever asked if I was still sober. I would think they would want to know…..
Apparently the national numbers are that 1 in 5 people who seek treatment will be re-admitted within 90 days.
There is nothing in the Big Book that suggests that imposing social isolation on alcoholics promotes better treatment outcomes.
Wait, you don’t know about the podcast? Breakfast with an Alcoholic, Episode No. 1!
Yes, he was not only willing to participate in the Alcoholic Lightning Round, I’m going to spoil things and tell you he “won” the Alcoholic Lightning Round.
The plan is to launch the meeting in early March—so stay tuned!
This is very much a Tom Sawyer-esque enterprise. Meaning that if you’d like a brush and a bucket of whitewash, we’ve got a space on the fence saved for you. Seriously, if you think you’d like to be a part of this, well, there’s definitely room for you.
First, Substack. Next, the world!
There’s so much I learn from different perspectives. Looking forward to everything coming down the pipe.
Love it! Can’t wait!