I’m very grateful it’s Saturday. I’m grateful for getting a lot done last week. I’m grateful to be busy again. I’m grateful for a sense of purpose. I’m grateful to lead a life I don’t have to run from anymore. I’m grateful to let people see me. I’m grateful for second and third and fourth chances. I’m grateful for realizing I was never actually alone. I’m grateful for the farmers market at Union Square. I’m grateful to be sober today.
“I’m grateful to lead a life I don’t have to run from anymore.” <--powerful! Also, I agree with you on loving the addict. As the mama of a young adult addict, I don’t believe he would be in rehab/recovery now if I had stopped checking on him. He would likely be dead. I’m reading “It Takes a Family” by Debra Jay, and everyone who has a loved one in active addiction or recovery should read it. It’s definitely a different, more loving approach.
I can't imagine how hard and wrenching it is to be the parent of an alcoholic/addict. I know we addicts do terrible things and it's really hard to chalk them up to it being a disease. We used to think all of the former NFL players becoming addicts and living in underpasses was evidence of poor character and moral failing--it turns it out, those are symptoms of CTE!
Just did a quick search on chronic traumatic encephalopathy--I had never heard of it. Very interesting (and sad) stuff! I've appreciated my son's treatment center's focus on educating families. While I believed addiction was a disease, I couldn't make a good argument for that belief. My husband and I came away from the first family workshop with much more knowledge and understanding of how addiction is not a choice.
Sure, the initial decision to take that drink or inhale that roxy is a choice, but for someone who has the disease of addiction that one choice is the only one they get to make. The disease takes over from there and it is no longer a choice. An author I follow (shannanmartin.substack.com) said she remembers a friend once saying, “It’s hard to stay sober, but it’s also really hard to live in addiction. Every day I choose my hard.”
Fighting the disease is hard. Loving someone with addiction is hard. But we can do hard things, right?
I feel like I've seen a Peloton ad telling us that we're built to do hard things, so we're good there. I think you've hit the nail on the head---we alcoholics and addicts behave completely differently with that first drink than civilians and it changes things in us that don't change in other folks when they drink. Hopefully, one day we'll have a better understanding but I feel like the medical establishment is definitely not going in alphabetical order as they cure and treat various diseases.
And I hear you - "withdrawing love" is not only a crazy strategy for "supporting" recovery, it's also impossible. Recently, I was on a coaching training programme, and the conversation got to this somehow:
"Love is remembering who they are, even when they have forgotten."
The context was that this is the fundamental premise and space from which to coach.
And I think it applies in relationship to being in relationship to someone in recovery. At the worst moments, they've forgotten who they are and to love them is to remember the human being that's there, lost as they are.
And one can step away, which may well be a healthy boundary to instil, and still love them. You don't have to be embroiled to love.
Yes! Another great quote. One of the things I have done with my son (that I will likely write more about soon) is to send him emails reminding him who he is. I started this around the time we discovered the drug use. The subject would be “Let me tell you who you are” and as I wrote more I appended a number).
Bob Goff wrote something like: “Let’s stop telling people how they should behave and instead start telling them who they are.” That slayed me (recovering judgmental person here). So I started speaking love and truth and positivity into people’s lives. Including my son’s.
“I’m grateful to lead a life I don’t have to run from anymore.” <--powerful! Also, I agree with you on loving the addict. As the mama of a young adult addict, I don’t believe he would be in rehab/recovery now if I had stopped checking on him. He would likely be dead. I’m reading “It Takes a Family” by Debra Jay, and everyone who has a loved one in active addiction or recovery should read it. It’s definitely a different, more loving approach.
Enjoy your day, sober and free!
I can't imagine how hard and wrenching it is to be the parent of an alcoholic/addict. I know we addicts do terrible things and it's really hard to chalk them up to it being a disease. We used to think all of the former NFL players becoming addicts and living in underpasses was evidence of poor character and moral failing--it turns it out, those are symptoms of CTE!
Just did a quick search on chronic traumatic encephalopathy--I had never heard of it. Very interesting (and sad) stuff! I've appreciated my son's treatment center's focus on educating families. While I believed addiction was a disease, I couldn't make a good argument for that belief. My husband and I came away from the first family workshop with much more knowledge and understanding of how addiction is not a choice.
Sure, the initial decision to take that drink or inhale that roxy is a choice, but for someone who has the disease of addiction that one choice is the only one they get to make. The disease takes over from there and it is no longer a choice. An author I follow (shannanmartin.substack.com) said she remembers a friend once saying, “It’s hard to stay sober, but it’s also really hard to live in addiction. Every day I choose my hard.”
Fighting the disease is hard. Loving someone with addiction is hard. But we can do hard things, right?
I feel like I've seen a Peloton ad telling us that we're built to do hard things, so we're good there. I think you've hit the nail on the head---we alcoholics and addicts behave completely differently with that first drink than civilians and it changes things in us that don't change in other folks when they drink. Hopefully, one day we'll have a better understanding but I feel like the medical establishment is definitely not going in alphabetical order as they cure and treat various diseases.
I like the image of the eggshell glued back together. Broken can mean more places for the light of recovery and gratitude to come in.
the Japanese art of Kintsugi is pretty similar and actually works: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi
Thanks for the share!
And I hear you - "withdrawing love" is not only a crazy strategy for "supporting" recovery, it's also impossible. Recently, I was on a coaching training programme, and the conversation got to this somehow:
"Love is remembering who they are, even when they have forgotten."
The context was that this is the fundamental premise and space from which to coach.
And I think it applies in relationship to being in relationship to someone in recovery. At the worst moments, they've forgotten who they are and to love them is to remember the human being that's there, lost as they are.
And one can step away, which may well be a healthy boundary to instil, and still love them. You don't have to be embroiled to love.
Thank you for sharing :).
Yes! Another great quote. One of the things I have done with my son (that I will likely write more about soon) is to send him emails reminding him who he is. I started this around the time we discovered the drug use. The subject would be “Let me tell you who you are” and as I wrote more I appended a number).
Bob Goff wrote something like: “Let’s stop telling people how they should behave and instead start telling them who they are.” That slayed me (recovering judgmental person here). So I started speaking love and truth and positivity into people’s lives. Including my son’s.
That is really a lovely thing and I think it's love that is at the bottom of recovery
I completely agree. I think love is the answer, not the withdrawal of love.
Thank you so much for sharing my post! I'm very glad it resonated in some way. 🌿
I love what you write and will definitely share more!